A Snake In The Grass (experiment)

[Liquid Bear]

Feeling like a dead leaf, a bitter seed,
drowning in the smoke of my own wreckage.
Yet you smile, for victory is yours,
as the brightest star crawls behind you
and the reddest rose cries your name.

I'm becoming less than nothing.
Withering. Color drained from my eyes.
You delight in speaking to me
in secret languages,
my inferiority is honey poured
upon your seething mind.

You say love is the flower
you've never picked.
Yet your eyes shimmer and spark
as you stab me with your words.
You never wanted love.
You want praise. Regality.
Holiness.

I've kept one last wish,
my humble reminder
of my futile presence.
Look at me as I fall
following Satan's trail.
I've got no name anymore.
No memories. No armor.
I've turned into nothing
but a snake in the grass.

[allmirth]

Palpable anger. I like the way you show that anger and bitterness can change you.

Thanks much for sharing.
Mirthy

[bandgeekfreak]

I love the anger, and the title is really interesting and kinda drags you in. I was hooked from the first line so amazing piece, very talented writing.

[everhopeful]

I feel like there's a lot of sadness to this one, and the anger is inferred between the lines for the most part. The central theme of the speaker cast into the role as a serf, feeding the ego of someone who sees themselves in a regal light, makes for a nice way of describing their attitude, as well as the price the speaker pays to feel 'bowed' before them. This is heavy on the imagery and metaphor, and I think it works well to convey the dynamic of the relationship.
Well penned.

[things_i_wrote]

sad poem with feeling of oppression and desperation ..well penned one

cheers...TIW

[Josie]

Your poem is about Narrator's transformation from being a lover and turning into a snake in the grass, a treacherous person like a poison snake hidden in the grass and ready to strike. Narrator speaks about being stabbed by words, withering, and about the color drained from her eyes. She was stripped of memories and had no armor. She felt she had turned into nothing. Good job on portraying this toxic relationship.

[candlewitch]

hello Bear,

I completely agree with everhopeful"s comment! I could really relate to these lines:

You say love is the flower
you've never picked.
Yet your eyes shimmer and spark
as you stab me with your words.
You never wanted love.
You want praise. Regality.
Holiness.

it kind of reminds me of Bob Dylan's song: "Idiot Wind" on his "Blood On The Tracks" album (one of my favorite songs, as the lyrics are fantastic!!!)