Damned

[Raven (ARGD)]

I breathe in, breathe out,
Shallow and stuttering.
Neither of those is easy.
Raspy breaths echo
In the emptiness of my chest.
The sound cradles me
With calloused hands.

I’m not here-
Not really. Those familiar delusions
And distorted solutions are creeping
Up behind my eyes
Again.

And I am a child
In footy pajamas, cowering
At the bottom of the stairs.
I am rigid with red eyes,
Clutching a stuffed dog and choking
On the smoke as it rises
From the ashes
Of someone dear.

Breathe in, breathe out.

And I am a child,
But not a child,
In the care of strangers
Who want me to be someone else.
A baby is with me… my sister.
She’s mine now.
I have to be more than I am-
Make sure she remembers
This woman is not her mother,
Make sure she knows
They’re coming back for us…
Make sure I know it too.

Breathe in, breathe out.

And I am a girl in a room
That I’ll never enter again,
But will see for the rest
Of my life, squirming beneath
Hot skin that hisses my name.
My mind is colored blinding white,
Filled with his rough touch
And rasping voice, his scent
Blackening my lungs, teeth marks
On skin, a duel-purposed gag,
The quivering of his breath
Between us, and his eyes-

Breathe in, breathe out.

And I am in my teens,
Counting my afflictions,
Floundering in my attempts
To counteract the damage
And piling on.
I live in the past and I
Can’t keep up with a changing
Environment. I struggle to understand
The words that I hear
And human gestures
And the things that happen inside me.
Exhausted, I work to keep
The gasses that poison me
From seeping through my skin,
From changing to smoke that billows
Out from around my eyes.

Breathe in, breathe out.

And I am fighting my own reflection,
Too old for what I can handle,
Stuck in the same familiar
Childlike maturity,
Unsure of how to live.
Everything confuses me or causes
Terror. Voices keep me awake
Most nights. They like to scream
My name just as I start to drift.
I feel things that aren’t there
And I don’t know how to deal with it,
So I spin continuously
And live the wrong way,
Filling my days with last resorts
And taking “piling on” to new levels.
The things that I turn to…

Breathe in, breathe out.

And I am in the throes of panic,
Falling back without breathing
And not even bothering
To grasp at those who’d leave.
I count them like sheep,
Weary-eyed and wandering,
Lost and hopeless,
Exasperated and exhausted.
My brain can’t come to comprehension-
Of their actions, of my mistakes, of anything.
I shut down and wait, in a state of
Something like hibernation.
I finally have nothing left.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Now I am sinking as my skin
Pulls forth old bruises because
I am reliving memories in the form
Of present life.
They’re gone again- they’re gone
And I can feel him in my lungs.
I can’t sleep through the
Shouted sound of my name.
The world doesn’t make sense
And life feels like a threat
That I should flee.
Air feels thick and hard to ingest
And I am isolated in my uniqueness.
I wonder what others see when they blink.

Breathe in, breathe out
The stale senses
That condemn me
To this existence.

[ladylilith]

Yikes, it's an unrelenting onslaught on the self, on a state of being, on an elongated moment.. I love the extended use of breathing. That automatic, mechanical motion that we can't force ourselves to stop, it keeps us in the here and now, and makes us experience life, through the good and bad. A heavy duty Open Mic piece, so well expressed.

Lily^^

[Jahaliel]

Far out this was just so intense The simplicity of the repeating breath in breath out motif was just so effective, I found myself breathing in time as I read it. Thankyou for sharing this, it was powerful and affecting.

[Chelle]

Very intense. I'm trying to think though. Somehow I remember that your home was burned in a fire and I was trying to think if these were perhaps real childhood memories coming up. Most people tend to relive traumas in their dreams. If so, you might consider speaking to someone. Wish you the best.

[BarryC]

simply awesome piece-well done