Porch Ramblings

[kavi911]

We sat on the old porch watching the storm. Percy put his chin on my hand, urging me to pet him. I obliged, and looked over at the old man, waiting. He took his time inserting a wad of chew into his cheek and finally glanced over at me once he’d gotten comfortable. “Go in there and grab me that watch, son.” He wasn’t actually my father, but he was close. So I gathered myself up and out of the wiry old rocking chair and stepped over Percy, much to his dismay, opened the whiney screen door and walked through, letting it slam shut behind me, pulling to a bear trap-like close.

I made my way through the open living room and the couches that had their own smell. The rug was stained from generations of children passing through for holidays and visits and such. The table had its marks and scratches, but those really gave it the old time feel that everyone loved it for. Around the corner and into the hallway I stepped, feeling re-energized from the heat inside the house. My feet dragged the carpet with me every step of the way until I entered the office/storage room the old man kept in the house.

There on the desk, next to the pile of dresses, sat the watch. I took hold of it delicately and backtracked all the way to the porch. The whining and slamming of the door once more announced my return. The old man was rolling a cigarette when I walked out. “A million ways to die, right?” he asked rhetorically upon seeing the look on my face. I set his watch down on the table next to his tobacco. Finished with his rolling, he lit the stogie and took the watch in his hand. With the other, he pulled a kerchief from his pocket and polished the face of the antique gadget. “Damned thing doesn’t even work,” he’d complain eventually. I laughed each and every time he said it, too.

I rolled a cigarette for myself while he polished. Thunder rolled, and the wind blew harder. Percy was getting nervous. “There, there, boy,” the old man would say, soothing the poor hound with a hush. I watched the trees waving in the wind. Feeling childish, I took my hand and waved back at a few of them. The old man just laughed smoke into the air. The watch was set down upon the table, and I turned, giving him my full attention. “How often do you really look at a tree?” he asked me, and I knew where the conversation was headed. “Less often than I should, I suppose,” was my half-assed reply, and he snorted a bit in return.

“You know why that is?” he urged, trying to summon the same question I’d given him in return every time before. “Why?” I asked. There it was. “Because it’s right in front of you, son,” he said, answering in rhythm, “I like to think of it the same way I think of life.” I was forced to again ask, “Why?” for him to continue. He inhaled on his cigarette, holding smoke. “Life and death, success and failure, high and low,” he rambled, losing my attention. He quickly regained it leaning toward me in his chair, “It’s a bunch of circles. Each one lives because of the other, and it always comes back around.”

He gave me a serious look before continuing, “That is how we live on a daily basis, and we miss it almost every time.” My eyes left his, falling to my feet. It was my way of absorbing what I’d just heard. I tossed my cigarette to the rain in the yard, and gave the old man my answer. It went something like, “Maybe so, but no tree can cut itself down with an axe.” “True enough,” he replied, “but you show me a man who can kill himself with an axe.” We laughed until lightning struck a tree before our eyes, and then we laughed some more.

[godsplat]

Hello kavi911 and welcome to The Poet Sanctuary

Well let me tell you this is one heck of a great bit of writing I just read, you have a true gift for this, you pulled me right in there and had me sitting on the porch watching this play out in full. A very impressive read, I love the well worked detail, very entertaining. I look forward to reading much more of your work, it was a pleasure indeed!


godsplat

[everhopeful]

A really enjoyable piece of prose with a short story like approach. The down to earth nature of the narrative, sprinkled with enough descriptive detail to allow us to picture the scene, coupled with the slightly more detailed approach to characterisation through dialogue, made this a really distinctive read. Although there is a moral, it's delivered in a reader-friendly way.
Nice work.

[ladymaybebaby]

Hi and another welcome to TPS from me! What a fine piece of writing! You sure to tell on heck of a grand story! Your attention to detail made the characters, the scene, the scents all of it come alive as if I was a part of the goings on happening on the porch. It has so many elements that make it so special... it was warm, easy to relate to, and just a magnificent piece of writing! So very well done... looking quite forward to reading more of your work very soon!

-LMB
xoxo

[iluvhorses]

Hi, welcome also from one newbie to another! I hope we both hang around long enough to sit on an old porch and share some stories and laughs!
I enjoyed your short story/prose. You gave nice detailed descriptions that allowed me to see the story quite clearly.
One suggestion I have is to re-read the first paragraph and consider a little re-wording. You used the word "over" three times in this somewhat short intro paragraph. I think it would be more effective if you eliminated one or even two of the uses of "over" here.
Just my suggestion.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it.
Deb

[kavi911]

That's quite a detail to notice Deb. You have a good eye though because I'd have never noticed that. I'll probably leave it though. This piece was purely for my entertainment.

[Jahaliel]

This was such a fascinating piece, I really enjoyed every word of it. I could just see the scene you painted. Thanks for sharing and congrats on the Spotlight.

[ladylilith]

Very cool work, I can easily see why this deserves a chance to shine in the Spotlight. I really like how you used words.. And yes, that sounds like a dumb thing to say, but I mean it! Real nice work, and congrats!

Lily^^

[miharu]

I have never claimed to be a critic of prose pieces, but I do know good writing when I read it. I have never claimed to be articulate, but I thought there was a certain kind of circular beauty in the young and the old conversing about the cycle of life, all while rolling their own cigarettes. Just lovely.

- miharu

[Rassy48]

kavi,
Just a fabulous piece of writing! Every detail, every sound, every smell ... just everything reads so naturally and is not forced. Absolutely wonderful title and story to go with it. Just a perfect ending, as well. Congrats on "The Spotlight". Well deserved.
Joanne

[everhopeful]

I enjoyed this one first time around so it's cool to see it again in the spotlight! You show a style of writing which is very easy on the eye without skimping on detail or characterisation, so congratulations on the spotlight.

[ladymaybebaby]

Loved this the first time I read it! Just wanted to stop in and read it again and wish you a heartfelt congratulations on the spotlight pick this week... it is much deserved!

-LMB
xoxo

[SirFleshwound]

Normally, my shocking attention span would cause me to glide over such a piece of prose, but this one demanded instant respect. A beautiful analysis of a moment shared between two ages of mankind, highlighting the inquisitive searching of youth, with the wise, sage-like world seen in the eyes of the old. Excellent.

[kavi911]

Well. I haven't logged in for a while, and I've had the worst day, so you guys have no idea how much I appreciate this. So thanks.

[Ladywildalice]

Being able to entice your reader to keep walking into your tale is a gift. So many begin well, but lose the reader in the first few lines, and they merrily move away toward someone else's bit of prose. This was so comfortable, so fetching, it made me want to come out on the porch, sit down, smell the rain coming, feel the wind pick up, tossing my hair around playfully. I wanted to see the way the dog looked at you for reassurance, taste the dust in the air, hear that screen door squeak and slam. I could smell "home" in your words, and the measure of those porch converstions I had with my grandparents and parents, and siblings, dates, and neighbors. Loved this. Congrats on the spotlight, very well deserving.

[musie]

Loved the story line, the character's the detail's....the conversation, all excellently written holding the reader's attention and then the laugh at the end...The Title is PERFECT...and this was simply a pleasure to read....there is no doubt as to why it made it in to the Spotlight! CONGRATULATIONS! Musie

[Sasha]

I love it! I really like your descriptions, the attention you gave to the set, the dialogue between the two, and the wisdom you planted within the lines.
I very much enjoyed reading it, it's neat, and so well put, that definitely deserves the place under the Spotlight. Congratulations!

Sash

[BlackVelvetRose]

First off congrats on the spotlight! :) I loved this. The story line and the attention paid the the details were awsome.

[inflames]

I really love how final this piece seems. It's hollow and it does seem a bit like a "ramble", but it holds a lot of meaning. Beautiful piece. Congrats on your spotlight!

[Robert Haigh]

A highly descriptive and entertaining piece of prose poetry. The imagery is strong and nicely fashioned. I particularly like the line, "The old man just laughed smoke into the air." Lengthy poetic works can easily deter some readers, but you hold the reader's interest throughout. Well done!