Living With You (Mature)

[Zombie]

I questioned whether or not to post this. If it is not okay for the site, it can be removed. I will not mind.

Part of me died with you,
Lying at the bottom of the lake.
My polka dot bikini that I never wore
Floating right above you,
And I never even knew.

The products of two even numbers is always even,
But it's not true, it can't be.
Me times you is nothing, not anymore, and I killed you.
I watched you sink to the very bottom
Of my long-lost childhood, gasping for air that wasn't there.

I can't make it on my own, not without you to guide me.
Where will I get my reminders?
Where will I find my shame?
There will be no reason for the lines tracing my arms.
There will be no reason for my cries.

Without you, everything is gone.
Even the bruises from your hands are fading.
But will they ever fully heal?
They're layered so damn deep.
But without you, they mean nothing.

Even the lightning refuses to believe me.
My lies go even deeper than I ever thought.
And once, I saw you cry and that's when I finally knew.
That he'd hurt you too, just like you do to me.
But I never wanted to see you hurt again.

Is that why I stopped fighting?
I'll never know what went wrong in my head.
All I know is that I'm crazy, and nothing can help.
I'd blame you, but then I'd have to blame me
Because I lied to you too.

And now my only high seems to be from the needle in my skin
The one that keeps me alive.
Would it make you hot to know I can't stop?
All of it, drugs, sex, alcohol.
It's my only way to survive without you.

With you, I only tried it once and I got so sick
That you laughed and then cried
'Cause you remembered your first time too.
And now I guess I know why
You never wanted me high.

And the time I tried to jump off the roof, you held me back
Said that if I died, you'd die too.
And I was in no position to argue
With your knife at my throat
But I should've let you cut through everything.

And the time I told you to kill me
Because death was better than living with you
And you said you wished you could, but that you
Couldn't live without the best girl you'd ever had.
And then you cried as I held you.

And the many choruses of no that were followed
By me holding you against my chest as you cried
While you told me you were sorry
But you couldn't stop
And I wouldn't stop you.

The time you threw me down the stairs
Because I told you that you were growing inside me
And you said I did it on purpose
But you didn't care
So then why'd you throw me?

The time I bit you so hard it left a scar
You were so mad your face turned blue
And into the wall I went
I said I hate you
And you called me an ungrateful b-----.

And I remember all of it except for the time I drank too much
And passed out, but that's okay because waking up was a nightmare
So many people, lifeless on the floor, and a puddle of blood
And you crying on the bathroom floor
With wads of hundreds in your hand

But I don't remember all those times
When I was so young
You telling me no one could ever love me
Not like you did
But you never loved me.

And I hate how ugly I've become
You're so pretty still echos in my memory
With you lying on top of me
And now it's s---
With you pushing on me.

But you'll never know any of this
You'll never know anything
Because I'll be gone
By the time you come crawling in high, drunk
you'll find me dead.

You'll slither into my room oh so quietly
And whisper for me to wake up
With a razor beside me
And open wrists above me
You'll find me in that position you loved.

[Dew]

Absolutely terrifying...so many twists and turns of drama and trauma and furor and horror...I got lost in the nightmare...this one crawls on you - dew

[ladymaybebaby]

Wow, this was powerful... The metaphor you used and you played it out perfectly was totally a terrifying story of the horrible way you were forced to live. Your voice seemed so weak in this piece, as if death is the only way out, and I can actually see how you could feel that way... this is no way to live at all. You are utterly trapped and seem to have no way out. I don't want to give away the story for the next readers that come across this piece, but as a poem you work on this one is stellar. You told this story flawlessly, there is not one thing I would change, just excellent work. Thank you for sharing such a personal piece with us!

-LMB
xoxo

[musie]

Dear Zombie~Now I think I know why you have the user name you do, and as Dew has said, this is absolutely terrifying and difficult to respond to, to know what to say..as you have written this with a great sense of depth and such RAW emotion and as LMB I commend you for being able to share something so very personal with us here at TPS....Please know that NO ONE is worth taking your life over! You are a Human being no matter what way's you have chosen to try to escape the harsh treatment you have been allowing yourself to endure...I always hope and pray that a piece that is written like this has in some way become cathartic and opened your eye's to other positive possibility's for your life....GET OUT and GET OUT NOW! It's never too late to begin a new life....there are way's....this was so very heart wrenching to read and soak in, but very well expressed...Thank you for sharing and I hope to see you continue to write....Musie

[Zombie]

Thanks, guys. It was one of the first pieces I ever wrote.

[bandgeekfreak]

This is so deep, it goes from one horrible thing to another. Chilling poem.

[Zombie]

Thanks for reading.

[Eggy]

Frighteningly real.

I would not guess as to your motivation but through the catharsis of writing I hope you find peace, as I did.

[dornicks]

It's a well trodden road that not many of us live to talk about or describe so vividly as you have in this honest and heavy punching piece. Congratulations on the Spotlight and best wishes,

dornicks

[dwells]

Heartfelt and helpless - nobody should have that kind of power over another but sadly some do. Insightfully honest and thanks for sharing, cheers!

[allmirth]

This is a heartbreaking tragedy told with raw emotion and poetic grace. It was hard to read, but, the writing made it impossible to look away. Congratulations on a well-deserved spotlight.

Thanks much for sharing.
Mirthy

[karrie]

This left me speechless.

[Sasha]

Gosh! That's brutal!
Such a heavy loaded piece of work; each stanza was firing another tragic thought, another overwhelming feeling. The hard-hitting progression, that makes the reader almost forget to take a breath. There's something fragile and very raw about this, something you can see in reality, maybe that connection between your words and reality gave it more of punchy effect that strikes that senses. And though it speaks of tragedy, but you've written it in seamless poetic way, and I really admire the way you put this all together and conveyed something so powerful, so violent, and still managed to write down.
That's a poem where a 'wow' slips easily out of a reader's lips.
Congratulations on the Spotlight!

Sash

[Chelle]

i was grasping at straws when i first read this. so many things going on here and definitely lots of raw emotion. it shows your writing skill and your ability to put anything into words. I admire you and continue to look for your writing to read. Thanks for sharing!

[Zombie]

Thank you all so much. I don't know how I feel about this being spotlighted.