Self-Portrait, 2012

[Raven (ARGD)]

I found you in a photo today,
Of a self-portrait in pencil from 2012.
I didn’t mean to dig you up.
I was trying to find myself…
I just found you instead.

At first, I see proper proportions,
Hair that looks like hair, then eyes like mine.
I see talent. I see it in the shadows
And light, the strange shapes that make up a person.

I see it in your face; you know it’s there.
And my god, do you look peaceful. Serene even.
Focused. Like you know exactly what you’re doing,
Like you know something the world doesn’t;

I can’t remember it.

I can’t remember that face being mine,
Clean and sure, brightness in the eyes
Where fear should be. A spark instead of fire.

I can’t understand this face. Can’t find me
In there. I don’t know what I look like anymore,
Only the image I create for myself:

The swollen eyes, leather draped over bones,
My features sagging, lids reaching to hide the pupils.

I look at this face and I see it melting,
And that’s where I finally find myself.

[Agentlenihilist]

Loved the tone, word use, and structure of this. It has a feeling of such conflict and maybe unease to it.

I didn’t mean to dig you up.
I was trying to find myself…
I just found you instead.

Were my favorite lines for sure, thank you for posting it!

[everhopeful]

The ending to this is truly outstanding - obviously not a happy one, but outstanding nonetheless. Those final two stanzas leave us with a picture of the current day to contrast with the one from 2012, and makes a concise comparison to the vibrant focus of the earlier picture. The separation you create makes for a really powerful poem, especially as we understand the speaker is the person in the picture from the outset, yet the complete disconnection, as though they were looking at a complete stranger, manages to infer a story of all the things which must have happened to get from point A to point B, and just how much we can perceive as changing about ourselves in a relatively short time.
As pointed out above, the tone of this is spot on - part disbelief, part anguish, all very real and pained.
It's soooo good to see your work again!

[Baywriter]

You posted!!!! Very happy to see your work again.

I love the idea of this piece, looking at a picture of yourself from the past and seeing how much you've changed in reverse by trying to find yourself in the picture. This is even better, though, because it's not just a picture; it's a self-portrait drawn by the speaker, so it's how the speaker saw herself vs. how she sees herself now. It gives it a more intimate feeling, the idea of a hand-drawn portrait.

I like how you used the details in the picture--the shadow and light, for example--to convey how the speaker feels about herself. In the 2012 portrait, it seems like the speaker sees the darkness in her but she also sees the talent and good, whereas in present day she probably only sees shadow. So much that she doesn't recognize herself. It's a very well-developed metaphor.

Another place where you did that is where you talked about "the brightness in the eyes" with your clever use of "a spark instead of fire." A spark gives me a happy image, whereas fire feels very dark in this context. Again, a good metaphor for the difference the speaker sees in herself.

The final image of the face melting is dark and brutal, but yet this is where the speaker finds herself. It's like she finally recognizes herself in full shadow, perhaps because she's now so used to being in such a dark place. I hardly remembers what it's like to be happy, which is why the portrait seems so unfamiliar.

Great OM work, Raven. Missed reading you!

Bay

[shays1]

Baywriter and everhopeful have expertly covered any further comment but I would like to add my appreciation of your idea here of trying to find oneself in an old portrait sketched in pencil and then finally realising that that image you once saw with your own eyes no longer exists and maybe never did; it might have been just a dream. Very real, albeit sad outcome.

[Mike6]

I love the idea behind this, finding a sketch of yorself and then studying it to find yourself. I really enjoy the idea and how you executed it. Loved the final lines. they're a killer. Powerful piece of poetry.

[dwells]

A scathingly honest appraisal apparently Rav and here's hoping to better daze; good to see you back again!
The pendulum swings both ways and it sounds like you've made an important acknowledgement here in this very personal and insightful piece, cheers dear! - Dan

[Balustrade]

SO painful when one realizes the sad state of affairs they have fallen under. Your words are genuine and the emotions jar the reader.

[Josie]

Raven,
Your Narrator has experienced a few rough years since 2012. I liked the contrasts between the before self portrait and the current mirror reflection of self. Currently Narrator feels fire in his/her eyes instead of spark. His/her skin feels like leather draped over bones. His/her face is sagging, actually it feels like it is melting. Is it overwork, ill health, or bad relationships? It is taking too much of a toll on the Narrator. Congratulations on the TPS Spotlight!

[azisnomarsa]

Excellent write, and well deserving of the spotlight. Oh how times change a man how that innocence dies, how that fire turns into softly glowing embers. And all in the span of few years. Maybe it's for better who knows.

Cheers, Az.

[inflames]

This is beautiful, Raven. I love the idea of "not meaning to dig you up". I frequently feel like I do that. Congrats on your spotlight!

[SirDaniel]

This is one of those concepts you read and wonder why you didn't think of that yourself. (clearly, you don't have to wonder that because you did..) I love the idea, the flow and the feeling as if your looking at something you know was once you but your not sure how much you have in common anymore..

Congrats on being in the spotlight.

~ Daniel

[Mike6]

It's great to revisit this piece, Raven. It's really well written. You've got such talent. I love the title too. Great use of imagery, I love you use of narrative in this piece. Striking work. Congrats on the spotlight!