Lies a Lifetime (New Complete Version) (MATURE)
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This has a film noir flavor to it and the characters are interesting..
The imagery is dark and unsavory which demonstrates the big bad city.
I like the modern technological theme throughout the story (especially the tweets) ...
I think you might consider trimming the narrative/dialogue regarding Libby's
tricks of the trade in order to keep the story moving forward.
All in all you've painted a glorious seedy, urban scenerio with great finesse.
Happy Holidays!
Lebo
PS: loved the following vivid phrases:
"He felt a tremor in a far side of his brain. Words composed themselves, fitting and re-fitting into pegs"
"maybe a tweet—was brewing somewhere in his brain"
"with these new goggles the partial-words would gain personalities and squirm and scramble into a series, almost automatically."
"Libby smiled again, bigger this time, and it cracked the caked-on eye shadow from a night-or-so before that was clothing her eyelids."
"The thoughts he was having made it difficult to compress the process into 140 characters, an aphorism. He wondered what Hermann Melville would have done if he was faced with the challenge of expressing the ideas behind Moby d--- into a sentence or two. It would probably be a series of tweets. There were a lot of tweets in that novel, he thought."
"They were neurons firing from one building to another like synapses, each a pulsating bit of data and information spreading its numbers around like disease"
The imagery is dark and unsavory which demonstrates the big bad city.
I like the modern technological theme throughout the story (especially the tweets) ...
I think you might consider trimming the narrative/dialogue regarding Libby's
tricks of the trade in order to keep the story moving forward.
All in all you've painted a glorious seedy, urban scenerio with great finesse.
Happy Holidays!
Lebo
PS: loved the following vivid phrases:
"He felt a tremor in a far side of his brain. Words composed themselves, fitting and re-fitting into pegs"
"maybe a tweet—was brewing somewhere in his brain"
"with these new goggles the partial-words would gain personalities and squirm and scramble into a series, almost automatically."
"Libby smiled again, bigger this time, and it cracked the caked-on eye shadow from a night-or-so before that was clothing her eyelids."
"The thoughts he was having made it difficult to compress the process into 140 characters, an aphorism. He wondered what Hermann Melville would have done if he was faced with the challenge of expressing the ideas behind Moby d--- into a sentence or two. It would probably be a series of tweets. There were a lot of tweets in that novel, he thought."
"They were neurons firing from one building to another like synapses, each a pulsating bit of data and information spreading its numbers around like disease"
LEBO LIBATIONS (poet file for Lebo's TPS works)
viewtopic.php?f=36&t=19658&p=145832&hil ... NS#p145832
viewtopic.php?f=36&t=19658&p=145832&hil ... NS#p145832
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (proofread version) (language)
I agree with Lebo completely about the 'film noir' kind of feel. It has that edgy grit to it. ingrained into the very diction and descriptions. It's quite compelling however, the characterisation of Crosby and Libby was great and the paor stuck firmly in my mind's eye.
You have a lovely turn of phrase in places, especially in the opening, where it hooked me in.
Slick work! 'To be continued?' I freakin' hope so.
Lily^^
You have a lovely turn of phrase in places, especially in the opening, where it hooked me in.
Slick work! 'To be continued?' I freakin' hope so.
Lily^^
"The night is dark and full of terrors."
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (proofread version) (language)
Wowzers. You have excellent narration, I was immediately engrossed in this story. There were good details, enough to have meat to the story, but not too much to overload it. The characterization was on point and that ending was interesting. One of my favorite lines out of the many good ones in this was, "He had forgone any semblance of one when he was still in high school, opting instead for a soul that twisted and flew into others, trying to understand the structure of each while rejecting the bricks, mortar, and tools he found along the way." I'm excited to see where this goes. Fabulous work.
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (proofread version) (language)
First congratulations on the spotlight pick, it is much deserved! You wrote one incredible story! I was so engaged in your story nothing else existed, but those characters, Libby, Crosby, Jeremy and even the gnats!
Your attention to detail is superb! To be continued... how long do we have to wait? I'd love the whole book actually!!! I haven't been this over the top excited about a write in a long time! Excellent work!
-LMB
xoxo
Your attention to detail is superb! To be continued... how long do we have to wait? I'd love the whole book actually!!! I haven't been this over the top excited about a write in a long time! Excellent work!
-LMB
xoxo
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (proofread version) (language)
GREAT character and story build up, imagery was very creative and kept the reader's attention...I found myself squirming over the "gnat's"...it's easy to see why this was Spotlighted..it's exceptional work...CONGRATULATIONS! Musie
- songofmeadow
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (proofread version) (language)
A thanks to the spotlight for choosing this compelling story, the style of writing engrossed me completely almost to the point were it felt like I was watching a film, much enjoyed and a well done, meadow
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- AnIdeasman
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (New Complete Version) (MATURE)
i was captivated by this story, the climax toward the end was so thrilling! very well written and well done. A much deserved spotlight.
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (New Complete Version) (MATURE)
Hehe, this is darkly ironic and right up my street! I like an unhappy ending from time to time, especially when the timing and circumstances are so quirky. Although perhaps it's not unhappy, since I wouldn't exactly describe Crosby as a loveable lead character - in fact none of the characters are particularly loveable - and it was a nice way to end with an understated bang.
Congratulations on the spotlight.
Congratulations on the spotlight.
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (New Complete Version) (MATURE)
The ending makes the whole thing seem very pointless (in a good way). An awesome last line. It makes the whole effort seem rather... futile, which is the basis for the whole dark irony, which is just awesome. This is so well deserved of this spotlight! Congrats!
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Re: Lies a Lifetime (New Complete Version) (MATURE)
Oh cool! I'm glad this got chosen for the Spotlight. What I said before still applies, but I would aslo like to mention the smooth use of dialogue. I think speech can be so difficult to insert into a story sometimes, but none of it in your piece felt 'pointless' you know?
Congrats!!
Lily^^
Congrats!!
Lily^^
"The night is dark and full of terrors."