Anxiety is My Life

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

Anxiety is My Life

I hear the crowds guffawing at me.
What do I do for I feel abandoned and all alone?
Do I lie in bed all day and feel the foreboding eat me alive?
Hasty love I have experienced in life an inadequate amount of times mercifully.
I desire to make love like no other, but it is synthetic without acceptance from another.
This longing eats at me preposterously as ambiguity rattles my nerves uneasily.

So I write verse to pass the time by.
It leads me into a realm of the unknown in uncertainty.
I bellow unaccompanied in my bedstead chamber,
but this crying plea gets me nowhere fast I gather.

Disturbingly I want to pass away into a sphere of bliss
where languid liquid dreams are indeed conceivable and plausible.
This reality is feasible where I do walk again,
so this nightmare of living in a world of paralysis
will truly haunt me no more I pray.

[jeremyf]

The emotions you describe here should strike a chord with many here at TPS. Personally, I have felt anxiety, I have found solace in writing, and I have want to hide away in the comfort of sleep. You expressed this state of being dramatically, relate-ably, and beautifully. A very well orchestrated poem that I truly appreciated.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

Thanks guys for responding in kind.

victor

[miharu]

I am so glad the speaker has found a haven in the words of poetry, and that you are able to share this piece with us. I know I wouldn't be here without poetry to depend on in a way, so I can definitely relate to this piece.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

Thanks miharu for taking the time to read me and respond in kind. It is much appreciated. I enjoyed reading your work "the Evidence of things not seen." It is an amazing write my poet friend,

victor

[Martin]

I can definitely relate to the emotions in this poem.. good job.

[platinummoon]

I can definitely relate to the emotions in this poem.. good job.

I agree with Martin and all the above members. We are not alone we have each other. Though we may never meet we are related through an exchange of emotions.
Often the poem/writing is just that...A poem or a prose but more often it is a cry from our inner self.

[3M2R]

One-sided love: vividly expressed.
I must say it really does strike a cord in me, making me feel like someone understands how it feels like. Slighted but not able to give up. Well felt like that once before, learnt to accept that I deserve better (: one who doesn't take you when you feel for them is one who doesn't deserve who you are, as you are. Some of us are just easily swayed by emotions, others cold as stone, until one day the see themselves alone when you've found someone better. Another stellar work!

[dornicks]

Your piece hits the heart and will stir memories other than mine. Very well presented. Thank you for sharing this,

dornicks

[ladylynnmary]

Dearest Larsen, this hit me hard I have suffered from anxiety all my life. But wanting love and to be loved
just broke my heart. You are such a beautiful man and you deserve the chance for love like everyone else.
Stay strong my friend.

Love And Hugs,
Lynn

[tangerinepie]

Hello V..I have so much I want to say but can't..because how could anyone of us know what being in your situation is like..no..but on an emotional level I can say reach out to us here and you will see that at least we can share our emotions in poetry, and friendship.Your poem was exquisite and expressive..and there is a perfect state about you that we see and you may not..I cannot explain further..Truly..Tangie..

[Paralee]

It really hit deep; the poem flowed by so fast but so slow. I felt every word, but kept reading.
Very fine writing there, I'm still half here. Paralee

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

thank you everyone for responding. your comments mean the world to me. so thank you for reading and responding in kind.

victor

[dwells]

The doctor recommends a night out on the town and a few brewskis. Lonely missive and many share in this isolation. A crowd can be a lonely place too, cheers LMC!

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

I wish I could dwells, I wish I could go out on a night in the town. so craving a beer or a hundred lol,... you see I am paralyzed and live in a nursing home. insurance no longer pays for wheelchairs when you live in a nursing home thanks to Obama's changes in the way Medicaid works. the idiot. I am paralyzed and don't have a wheelchair. my folks like idiots threw away all my stuff including my manual wheelchair in 2008 when I gave up my apartment. plus the doctor at this nursing home won't let me drink because I take an anti-depressant that I don't want to take. since I signed papers to authorize medical care when I moved into the nursing home pretty much doctors dictate your life. it sucks, but what can you do. I can tell your there is a lot wrong with society. I couldn't change society because everyone has there own take on stuff like this and very few people agree on anything or any subject or situation so this will never be feasible for all humans to work together to solve the wrongs of this world and society perception. anything else I say on this train of thought will be considered to religious for most people so why bother.

victor

[search81]

That saddened me and made me anxious through the end. Great piece of work that can convey such emotion.

[dwells]

I wish I could dwells, I wish I could go out on a night in the town. so craving a beer or a hundred lol,... you see I am paralyzed and live in a nursing home. insurance no longer pays for wheelchairs when you live in a nursing home thanks to Obama's changes in the way Medicaid works. the idiot. I am paralyzed and don't have a wheelchair. my folks like idiots threw away all my stuff including my manual wheelchair in 2008 when I gave up my apartment. plus the doctor at this nursing home won't let me drink because I take an anti-depressant that I don't want to take. since I signed papers to authorize medical care when I moved into the nursing home pretty much doctors dictate your life. it sucks, but what can you do. I can tell your there is a lot wrong with society. I couldn't change society because everyone has there own take on stuff like this and very few people agree on anything or any subject or situation so this will never be feasible for all humans to work together to solve the wrongs of this world and society perception. anything else I say on this train of thought will be considered to religious for most people so why bother.

victor

Understood completely, but we here in the USA are blessed to have the new benevolence of his grace's expanded and exalted healthcare that will cure all ills and make everything affordable (can I sell you some swampland?). Sorry to hear of you plight and adding you to mu favorites now sine we are brothers in the faith beyond the B.S. - cheers!

[Paralee]

Larsen, does it have to be an electric wheelchair? Or is a manual ok? Wish I lived closer to you. You have touched my heart, not with pity, but I've always noticed there was something more in your poems.
With your dilemma you must have gone through all the phases of denial, anger, grief, etc. but some don't come out of it as well as you have. I think you would be a wonderful friend. Paralee

If I may be so bold, what anti-depressant are you on? Please don't feel you have to answer.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

All of this is rhetoric, nonsense, and stuff to make you think, but don't take what I said seriously.

Hi Paralee and Dan,

Sorry I haven't answered you both sooner my poetry friends and everyone else that comes along and reads my rhetoric regarding responses on my poem "Anxiety is My Life" on Angst forum section on TPS. . Glad we met by the way in the poetry world Paralee and Dan. As I told I am paralyzed though I am not called a quadriplegic even though I broke my neck because it s my lower neck I broke. So I am consider or called incomplete quadriplegia which is level cevrical-6 up on the left side and cervical-8 up on the right side. If I had T-1 function it would mean I have full function and feeling in and of my both my hands. I have cervical-6 feeling in my entire body. I have temperature feeling from cervical-5 up in my entire body. I was a half a level function if I broke cervical-5 away from being on a respirator the rest of my life. I can move my diaphragm or I would not be able to breath on my own. I can move my belly but not control the belly muscle action. I have full range of motion and use of my forearm, biceps, and triceps muscles in my arms. I broke my neck at vertebrae c-5 and c-7 twisting my spinal cord stretching it out to the left in a circular motion. I am an incomplete quadriplegic because I broke my lower neck vertebrae and I can move my arms, even though I broke my neck I am not a paraplegic. I am considered an incomplete quadriplegic with paralytic function because I didn't sever my spinal cord or crush my spinal cord, I can move my arms and right hand, I have feeling on parts of my arms, hands, and feeling above my n----- line, I

I am paralyzed from the arms down and I can move my hands though my left hand has no strength in the fingers and little strength in the left wrist. My right hand has all function but I still can't straighten those fingers out. In my left hand I can only squeeze 2 pounds of pressure at most and lift or squeeze .5 pounds of pressure with each finger and lift less than 20 pounds of weight with straps on my left hand and wrist. My right hand I can squeeze 12 to 25 pounds of pressure, with my right figures i can lift 8 pounds, with my right fingers I can squeeze 2 pounds of pressure, and I can lift up to 40 pounds with right hand. So I can bench about 60 pounds and I can curl and do triceps up to 40 pounds. Each arm I can do 40 to 60 pounds weight on the wheelchair bowflex. I am not weak, but I don't have the endurance to push a manual wheelchair 2 feet without my arms feeling exhausted.

Paralee, Since, I have osteoarthritis in my elbows it is hard to push a manual wheel like I use to a few years ago, even though medical insurance will not give me a power wheelchair anyway because of my body function even if a medical doctor suggests otherwise because of strict government rules on disability people because of monetary issues. I need a hard bottom and a hard back on a wheelchair or I will fall out of or fall over in a wheelchair. President Obama made cuts in Medicaid in 2009 totaling around 400 billion dollars in cuts. So if you need a special wheelchair and live in a nursing home Medicaid no longer pays for this service. Medicaid no longer pays for wheelchairs for anyone that is going to permanently going to take up residence in a nursing home. If the near future because of money they will kill all elderly, sick, and disabled in society. I have had visions of this happening. They will even put little children to sleep or the military will throw civilian workers who don't obey the Patriot Act and Affordable Care Act in concentration camps. I don't think former president Bush Junior or current president Obama can control who ever controls the Bilderberg's group, the illuminati, the free masons, and the skull and bones perhaps maybe ETs do. That might be the beast creature mentioned in the book of Revelation in the Christian bible. Enough about what I saw in my near death experiences.

If I moved out on my own then insurance would pay for a proper power wheelchair for me. Sadly I would need an aide to come by once a day and a nurse to come by once a day to visit me and insurance won't pay the under 2500 for me to live on my own a month when insurance is charged well over 6500 a month besides food and medical supplies for me to live in a nursing home and the nursing home takes my social security check as well. Even if the government shells around 850 for me to live on my own the government expense for me would still be half of that of me living in a medical facility like a nursing home. I am 42 and I have my full wits about me. I can do everything but transfer myself and bandaged the pressure sore on my bottom. Though the sore covers a large portion of my right butt check the wound is not very deep and has healed from some of its depth in recent months. If not for my diabetic condition I would try to live on my own again. I take a lot of insulin because my pancreas is failing. I do have about 4500 dollars saved which is more than enough for me to purchase enough stuff to live on my own in a HUD government apartment where I need about 340 for last month payment as security deposit and first month rent, about 1300 for a new queen size bed, and accessories, 300 for table and chairs, 700 for a new couch, a hundred for a night stand, 500 for a dresser, and 200 for a large flat screen tv. and around 300 for new kitchen stuff including a microwave and a toaster oven. My bills each month would include around 100 for electric, 65 for phone and internet, 180 for rent, 7.50 for prescription medication insurance a month, around 20 dollars a refill for three prescriptions, and around 100 dollars at least for medical supplies of ileostomy and colostomy bags.

[ladylynnmary]

Dearest Victor, this brought tears to my eyes. You are such a beautiful man and this broke my heart. Know that
I am always here for you and always will be. This write really brought out your emotions so well.

Love And Hugs,
Lynn