Concerto No. 12 "The Afterbirth" (Mature)

[Baywriter]

I would like to thank Jay for this poem. It was originally written for my collection, but didn't end up in the final version. A couple people have given me input on it, but Jay's words, as I looked back on them again and again, are what inspired this edit. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have figured out what to do with it. I wasn't going to post this, but after sitting on it for so long, I think it's time to share it.

Concerto No. 12 “The Afterbirth”

I. Sonata “Drowned Canoe”

We go to the dunes again.
The ocean opens its jaws,
a backwards birth canal,
and eats one lonely canoe.
I have your hand

on my hip, drifting to my visible rib,
as the waves light up my body,
making me bioluminescent,
freckles like little specks of plankton.
(The passenger falls off the canoe,
a seed of dark, somewhere dark.)

The sea is a tongue like my tongue,
breaking continents, raking earth,
with a loud, undecipherable word.
then nothing and nothing for miles.

There are too many specks of sand,
and my mouth has grown tired,
tired as the sea of eaten, chewed
and spit out sailors. After ten or so,
I can’t feel them anymore.

You are cold like bones
and my skin prunes
beneath your great hand.
The wind captures the dunes:
a shower of organic fragments.

Wind that swallows all things.
Wind that grows froth like waves.
Feeds the ocean

sailors and shipwrecks
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]foggy air
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]scattering tears in your hair
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]awkward silence
overturned
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]I want you naked
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]bow and stern
overturned
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]storm driving ocean
driving us into the dunes
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]I have your hand
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]one lonely canoe

II. Variation “Stormy Beach House”

The lightning has your face.
I see it when the barking thunder
strikes my chest. You are seconds of light
and I am a shadowy beach house.
My drawl is creaking, breathing –
I must frighten you. A roof, straw and grass,
and windows never made for this
melodious hymnal smacking the glass.

Look in the mirror. See your pallid face
hiding from the evening under a dying light.
I’ve seen the same face grow wrinkles,
small then larger, like ripples.
Do you close your eyes and dream
of the house swallowed up?
Do you accept the mirror?

I dream that I am not a house,
that I am a fish, squirming
within the stiff beak of a gull.
The snap of him catching my body
takes off with the wind and comes back for me.
My scales fall off. One, then two, then three.
He whispers something like,
Go to sleep now. This is home.

III. Rondo “Lighthouse”

Little house, lighthouse on the rocks,
a sun on your head, warning the docks:

dead sailors.

I’ve counted the stairs inside you.
I’ve counted the men on the shore,
two stairs for every four.

Little house, lighthouse, you can’t fix this.

They’re washing up now.
They’re washing up.
The rocks heave ocean skyward,
the island is digging holes

holes [space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]holes

Little house, lighthouse, I won’t live here.
I’d sleep like a sailor
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]and swallow the peer.
[space][/space][space][/space][space][/space][space][/space]Here.

Give me your useless shaft of light.
Listen to the waves crunching bones,
the lungs filling and giving up.
A shark eating a ship. A shark.

Little house, lighthouse,
have your light.
I have your hand.

[ladylilith]

For me, this is irreversibly brutal. Sure, I can see a 'steamier' side here but it's the mixture of heat and cold wrongness and that deep melancholic sound this has that makes it for me. Because real life is the sum of everything at once when it comes to emotional response. That line 'I want you naked' nestled between the other lines and phrases captures what im trying to say methinks.

I had the honour of seeing this before, and whatever Jay said is a testament to his ability to see a poem with eyes like x-rays. I love the opening.. it has this feeling now.. a ln uncomfortable and almost painful feeling. Maybe it's thr sea imagery, it always has an adverse effect on me now, but I think it's more the linguistic skill. I think I mad3 a comment about the repetition, but I wouldn't now, it's balanced so well.

The ending kills me. It's so sweetly sad. It's like letting someone keep on shining, in whatever kind of light that might be, but keeping them well and truly with you. Still linked.

Powerful work.

Lily^^

[Raven (ARGD)]

I’m thrilled to see this here. Just makes me happy. I had the privilege of seeing this a short while back, but... I think I'm just happy to see it being shown off. I think I told you, this was my favorite piece of yours from the moment I read it, but… god, Bay, I freaking LOVE how you’ve changed it. I don’t actually tend to have favorite poems. I have favorite poets, and I usually just like everything they do about equally (I think it’s more a style thing for me), but this one… it’s so rich, so complete, and I have said this about other pieces of yours, but it is such a satisfying read. I really feel like this is easily the best of your work I’ve ever read (so far).

I read this, I think, just a bit like Lily did. I read it as being a powerfully distressful piece with… maybe sexual undertones, I guess you could say? I don’t know. The way I see this… it’s hard to explain, but I think of that part of the poem as being just… what’s going on, what’s happening, you know? And I see this anguish in every line, in the way it’s written, and that to me, is the surest thing. Anyway, one of the things about this I like best is the really solid imagery you’ve got going on. Actually, "imagery" isn't the right word. It's more than that. It's the... experience of this piece? It so fully engages all the senses, so that it's like being there. It’s really vivid and it's elegantly written in. The rhythm of everything is great too. The seventh stanza is still my favorite… well, of “Drowned Canoe”, anyway. It’s the movement of it, the utter chaos! “Stormy Beach House” is still my favorite part of the poem. I think I still most like everything I did before… I just like it all more now, haha. I read II completely differently this time around. Now, it seems like… well, chaos really, with the speaker changing, being broken up by this “storm”, and the “you” here seems to be changing with her… maybe being changed in response to her. She seems to be changing so quickly and unstoppably, it’s hard to take in. In the final part, I felt like the “you can’t fix this” almost summed it up for me. It’s so suffocating. It seems like there’s just too much… there’s too much going on in this ocean for light to be anything but useless. To me, the ending felt like a plea for this other person to accept that, to stop trying to fix the speaker and just be there with her.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I FREAKING LOVE this poem. I could go on for pages (seriously, pages) about how much I adore this, but I think it’d get a whole lot creepier that way... suffice it to say I’ve read this over and over, and will most likely continue to read it over and over. This is so good I feel like I could cry like a fangirl, haha. And no, that's not something I'd ever have thought I was capable of doing... even with lack of sleep factoring in.

[Sasha]

I love how your work is ‘clean’, a clean structure , a clean wording, a clean everything! Though, I totally agree how this plays on different levels of romance, and if I can say, tragedy, there’s some kind of maddening factor the speaker is trying to break away, to be free. I think I said it on your one of your OM work, your use of oceans, waves and here lighthouse, is so striking in each poem. There’s so much to take in, and I’ve seen in your previous work, that opening/ending relation, the ending coming back to the opening stanza, in one way or another, but with different thought, and the set of metaphors is undeniably so powerful and effective, which I’m used to in your writing.
Powerful, great, great work!

Oh, and I hope you get better soon!

Sash

[Baywriter]

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate your comments, as this poem has met a lot of work and revision over the months. It's one of those that I call my baby, lol. You're right, Lilz, Jay had such good eyes and I'm thankful I had the opportunity to get his input on this and many other pieces. Thanks, Raven. You always go so in depth with your thoughts, and I'm happy to hear your input on this revision after the amount you gave me on the one I sent you. And Sasha, it's always SUCH a pleasure to see you on any of my pieces because your comments are always so thoughtful. And thanks, I hope I feel better soon, too.

You ladies are awesome.

Bay

[everhopeful]

I probably won't be able to do this justice in terms of the length or depth of my comment, because there is so, so much to take in and appreciate here, but I'll give it my best shot.
While this is a relatively long poem, the focus and commitment to the main metaphors is brilliant, like there's one place as a setting for the entire poem, yet you seem to take a different angle with each section while peppering the reader with the things which link everything together. Although I can see why other comments have referenced a steamy side to this, I didn't really get so much of a sexual element to this one, at least not in a conventionally 'romantic' sense - in fact the physical contact within this felt strained and frustrated rather than satisfyingly naughty.
In general terms the sense of progression into the conclusion left me feeling like the speaker was resigned, even willing, to become prey to the ocean, and that was deeply troubling. I felt as though she'd watched someone else go through that and it had drained her to the point where she wanted that to be her own fate, as though it was meant to be. After the very bold, grand style of the first two sections, there was something which felt beguilingly gentle about the ending. I stop short of saying 'sweet', but comparing 'you' to a lighthouse felt very tender and loving, without sparing on the sadness.
It's so, so wrong of me to pick out one line from this, but I couldn't let the symmetry and consonance of "freckles like little specks of plankton" pass by without saying how much I loved it, although it was only in keeping with the brilliance of the poem as a whole.

[jwesley]

Well, my friend, I know that I enjoyed this piece. And I know I can't go into the depth or the why like others have done (Don't know how they do that --- guess I'm just too simple), but I know, when I taste something, whether my pallet suckled and appreciated its essence or not ... and this one definitely left a desire to go back for seconds . . . or more.


jimmy

[jsol]

Captivating. What I am so drawn to in your work is the blending of strength and insecurity that is evoked. Your voice carries a grounded solidity as it lashes out with unanswered questions about the world ever being alright, justice ever being served, balance ever being restored, peace ever being granted. There is hope in there but there is also resignation, the bowing down to nature and the pain of life, the knowledge that the questions will never be fully answered. You let the world work upon you, whether it be wind or water, skin is pruned, waves crunch bones and so forth. Yet even in the letting there is a defiance and an urge to persevere that is so compelling. These are just my opinions, of course but objectively I can safely say that your writing is accomplished and I enjoy it greatly.

[dornicks]

I'll go for brevity and simply say I thought this made for a good read and is deserving of the spotlight. Congratulations,

dornicks

[ladymaybebaby]

I also had the chance to read this before under different circumstances and I must say it reads beautifully either way. I notice the editing, very sharp in some place especially part 3 is what stood out to me so much. That was always the most soothing part for me, it brought me back to being a child. Very lovely work and congratulations on the spotlight pick that I missed. So sorry!

[inflames]

This is so sad and so beautiful. Wonderful work with this, Bay. Congrats on your spotlight!

[everhopeful]

You have a way with words that makes me envy your talent, and an ability to think outside of the box which I'd sell what's left of my soul to discover. I'll keep it short and sweet this time and just add congratulations on the spotlight!

[Mike6]

I've had the pleasure of seeing this before the edits, so I can really appreciate the work that went into this poem. I think this is one of your masterpieces Bay, so I'm glad it got spotlighted. I'm sorry it took me so long to comment and get around to it. I loved the repetition throughout the poem, especially in part one. The use of the word "canoe" and related sounds really made for an effective piece. It added to the melancholy of the poem. I thought the poem was extremely sorrowful. My favourite part had to be part 3. I loved the imagery here. The lighthouse, the dead sailors s3 in part 3 was amazing, my favourite in the entire poem. I just love the way it sounds. Spectacular (spooktacular :D) work Bay. Always love reading you. Will catch up on your other work soon! Thanks for sharing!

[Josie]

Congratulations on your poem's TPS Spotlight recognition. I wish I had more of a music background because I think I would gain more from the poem.

[platinummoon]

Well, my friend, I know that I enjoyed this piece. And I know I can't go into the depth or the why like others have done (Don't know how they do that --- guess I'm just too simple), but I know, when I taste something, whether my pallet suckled and appreciated its essence or not ... and this one definitely left a desire to go back for seconds . . . or more.


jimmy

Hear hear, Jimmy. Exactly how I feel about this work. Patricia

[Baywriter]

Just wanted to thank you all for the generous comments and for the spotlight. :)