Perpetual - Ghazal

[everhopeful]

I've sewn across each thought that frayed for you
and hemmed my head with plans I made for you.

Heat shimmered on our horizon. Although
I choked on dust, I never strayed - for you.

The photo from our holiday at sea
will dim. My eyes stay coloured jade for you.

A carny guards our ride with violent eyes.
My final shilling says I've paid for you.

Rain pelts an empty platform. It reflects
our tears. High Noon will wake, delayed, for you.

As mountains tumble, raining rocks upon
my climb, I march onward - afraid for you.

I risked a life without another's touch
still everhopeful when I prayed for you.

[Dew]

i can tell that when you take on a form you do your homework and try to nail every aspect of it...always shows...each couplet is a little poem of its own. That is not so easy to accomplish...and very lovely, done right. The last couplet was just gorgeous...and all those above it had their own little theme, each treated with tenderness...loved the sea holiday one too...you make it look easy! -dew

[Baywriter]

You nailed it! I'm glad I gave you this challenge because you created something really cool with it.

As Dew said, you were so true to the form. Each couplet is so separate and a poem of its own, yet everything feels completely connected. The refrain "for you" really worked here and I never got tired of it because each couplet was filled with its own interesting ideas and images.

You've made it really difficult for me to pick a favorite couplet, but I'm going to have to go with this one:

"A carny guards our ride with violent eyes.
My final shilling says I've paid for you."

I am such a fan of anyone that can use such simple language to create a dynamic image. You've done that here. The word "violent" made this couplet for me because it completely changed the connotation of the lines. This couplet felt "violent" because of it, as if the speaker had put this person in a horrible position. Very cool.

I love the title as well. There is something quite "perpetual" about the form itself. It feels like it could just go on and on. But there's also something perpetual about the subject here, as if the speaker will always be doing all these things "for you."

Ace job!

Bay

[ladylilith]

Eeee.. so I looked up 'ghazal' and that was the noise I made 'eeeee' - that's one tough form. I can't get my head around it at all. So I'm gonna ignore the form's needs to make it a ghazal and just comment on what I see, if that's ok?

There is something so beautiful about this. the tone, the consistency, the sentiment. I did understand what a ghazal is usually about at least, and I thought the emotion conveyed here fit the bill perfectly. I felt kinda bad for the speaker.. like part of me wanted to say 'ah, give it up dude' but the other part of me was taken with the softer heart of it, that the speaker will just keep on and on, 'everhopeful' indeed!

You have an enviable precision when it comes to poetry. It feels so tight and tidy, and that is a talent in itself.

There was something in the repetition and rhythm of this that it reminded me of something lyrical.. uh.. there's a song, a kind of a rap song I think, that has been around recently and it uses a similar feel.. but I'll have to get back to you on that cos I can't remember it. But I think it's the effect of the form, the way it moves has a fresh and free feel to it.

'Perpetual' exactly. An astute title choice for sure!

Great work!

Lily^^

[songofmeadow]

There is much to admire here, form and the author aside; how the title keeps underlining and defining each line is something quite splendid to experience as well how the 'you' is the driving constant that the reader is, in the end, and inevitably, left with - that alone has something quite magical and heart fluttery going on for me! I love the line Bay picked out but as Lily says the whole poem is packed with subtleties that require patience to fully appreciate. I just wondered about the apostrophe in photos but that is something miniscule and I may be wrong anyway mx

[Mike6]

Mick! You killed Bay's challenge, you murdered it--you threw a bomb on it and watched it explode! This is absolutely amazing. This is my new favourite poem by you for sure. It has such power to it, the diction, the images, the rhythm everything's so perfect. I love how each couplet can stand on its own as a little poem or be a part of the grand design of the poem. AWESOME !!!! Oh yeah, bookmarked.

[JASON]

I found your opening line outstanding,absolutely brilliant...
As always,the words are what appeal to me,as opposed to the form
but you have knocked this one out of the park - good stuff.

[tangerinepie]

It blew me away..totally and absolutely a wonder..crafted by a master of form, and what more can I say?..Tangie..

[dwells]

Baywriter nailed my favorite couplet, and the cohesion of this piece was spell-binding in the development, kudos! and thanks for the education, cheers EH!

[entwife]

spectacular poem, your ghazal leaped through my mind like a gazelle.

[Hem]

I am really happy to see a Ghazal that conquers the barrier of language and can be composed with perfection and remains true to the form. Each couplet can be considered a poem in its own right and you included the reference to the pen name (tarkhallus I think they call it).
Spot on and brilliant! I have always loved this form... even more when I discovered they can be written in English too :)

Pleased for your accomplishment and pleased to read this ghazal.

[jainrohit]

my gooooodddd......

there is the kaafiyA ( rhyme) , there is takhallus ( nom de plume) , there is perfect beher ( meter) , then there is perfectly matching taghazzul ( ghazalism) ; there is kaifiyat ( pain / restlessness) and everything else needed for ghazal.....

would say that this is the most petfect english ghazal I have read since reading agha alex's ghazal tonight...

eaxlch couplet is a gem in itself...

now I want to hack ur account and claim this for myself :p

[Sasha]

Even just those two words alone ‘for you’ have such raw sentiment, and the repetition doubled the effectiveness. The first word that comes to my mind is ‘reminiscent’, as somehow it brings back personal memories to my mind, and share the same sentiments your ghazal holds, like no matter what happened, still the speaker is walking the same road, his feelings haven’t altered through time, he’ll do anything for them, though it’s never the same. That’s really affective, and deeply touching, and it means a great deal to me!
I don’t know much about this form, by I know that each couplet talks about different topics, and each one here touches the heart for all the for-yous.
This ranks as one of many favourites from you.

Sash

[inflames]

I love this, Mick. I specifically like how you included your name in the poem. Beautiful ending. Congrats on a well deserved spotlight!

[flux]

I really like the Ghazal form and have tried writing a few myself and I admire this one. Ten syllables a line, colourful and emotive. I particularly enjoyed the 1st stanza and the 4th and 6th stanzas.

[Ladywildalice]

Mick this is a very well deserved highlight piece. Love the form, I must admit I'm not familiar with it but shall give it a go one of these days. The way the enjambment carries or wraps around from 1st thought to end the beginning of he second related thought, all of them related and focused on "you" adds a certain memorable "click" to it. Congratulations. So glad I got to read this one.

[Mike6]

YES!!!! This one got spotlighted! Congrats Mick. :) It is definitely well worth the title! Great to reread this

PS- Will get back to your PM soon, just haven't had any time!

[Nakedpoet]

Vary well deserved spotlight, enjoyed.

[candlewitch]

hello,

I much enjoyed this piece! I stand impressed by your talent and proud to have you as my mentor! I love how you worked your name in and how it has more than one meaning!

always, Cat

[Josie]

Congratulations on your Ghazal. I like the way the first line is not complete and needs the second line to make the perfect couplet. The repetition of 'for you' ties all the couplets together. My favorite couplet:
Rain pelts an empty platform. It reflects
our tears. High Noon will wake, delayed, for you.