Betrayed, Bitter, Alone

[sparky21737]

Beneath the stars, beneath the moon, beneath the night’s darkened skies
The mournful wind, the crying rain, the shadow’s whispered lies
A friend’s face, a mask in place, a gentle hand with stabbing blade
Betrayed
Beneath the skies, beneath the trees beneath the night’s deadly shade

Beneath the cliff, beneath the rock, away from heaven’s judging eyes
The cicada’s call, the ocean’s whisper, the sweet seductive lies
A searing pain from scorpion’s sting, your sick and twisted game
Betrayed
Beneath the earth, beneath the dirt, beneath the coffin’s wooden frame

Betrayed by love, betrayed by trust betrayed by you my smiling friend
A pretty smile, a brilliant mask, was it real or pretend?
A mocking bird, a lyrebird adorned in garish garments
Bitter
Betrayed by truth, betrayed by lies, betrayed by greed’s cruel intents

Bitter lies, bitter truths, a bitter story cruelly penned
A tragic tale of a stupid fool who thought love would never end
An empty friend, with crimson hands, a pulsing heart within their grasp
Alone
Bitter tale, bitter end, bitter final heaving gasp

Beneath the stars, beneath the moon, beneath the night’s darkened skies
The crying rain, the searing pain, the wind’s howling cries
Empty words, a broken heart, an endless well of shame
Alone
Beneath the oak, beneath the dirt, beneath the coffin’s wooden frame

[mckaizer222]

This is a topic I'm too familiar with. The lists in this poem progress quickly. We've all had those feelings of isolation... A topic I myself am extremely fond of, not because the feeling is a good one, but because no matter how socially savvy we are, we all feel isolated. I love how specific the examples get as the lists go on. Well penned, the imagery is fantastic... Time to start all over again (this is my first post with my new account, but honestly I need something like TPS in my life again) Anyhow great work look forward to seeing more

~peace
Michael Kaiser

[ladylilith]

I absolute love the way this is composed. It's almost circular in how it effectively comes back to where it started but there is a new and more intense understanding and feeling to it. I think the title, and the way it is realised within the piece, captures the essence of the emotions perfectly.. in a kind of order of progression too. Real good work!

Lily^^

[everhopeful]

The structure of this is magnificent, it's original and also distinctive enough to catch the reader's eye from the start, building up an expectation and giving it a meter of its own, which you can then exploit to the fullest by hammering home the key emotions through use of repetition within a wide-ranging overall image.
You really pour it on with the imagery too, giving us something to see as much as what you tell us directly, and it makes for a really effective piece.
Major kudos on this one!

[sparky21737]

Thanks for the comments guys. I wasn't sure about this one when I first wrote it but I quite like it now and I'm glad you guys do as well

[inflames]

Veyr beautiful write. I like the structure and distinct voice that is part of this poem. Really awesome write. Congrats on the spotlight!

[flux]

Hi, got to say the composition of this is striking, the repeating rhythms make this stand out and the brooding imagery is very effective. Well done.

[Ladywildalice]

Congratulations on the Spotlight for this lovely piece. The composition, as already mentioned by several, is unique enough to make it your own, to stand out and grab notice. The repetitios add strength to the emotions, punches them, and the devastation comes through loud and clear. Very well achieved. Thanks.

[Josie]

I was rocking with the rhythm and enjoying your employment of repetition and word choices that seemed to be married to keep tight their individual lines. Congratulations on the TPS Spotlight.

[dornicks]

A skilled and memorable write,as all previous comments have said. You've done well to capture man's ' Finer points ' so well. Thank you and congratulations,

dornicks

[Sasha]

Yeah, I have to echo all comments on the structure, really you did a stunning job with that! The content is something else, I think many can relate to any of these, either betrayed, bitter lies, or alone stories. The repetition was another thing to spotlight on, well the whole piece is a spotlight material!
Great work, and Congratulations! Love it!

Sash

[sparky21737]

Thanks for all the comments :)

[everhopeful]

This is an absolutely relentless read, I don't think I picked up on the pacing element of it in my first read but it was a major contributing factor to how powerful this poem was. The repetition within the opening line of each stanza gives it a bit of a vocal push and gives this a distinctive sound to me.
Well penned, and congratulations on the spotlight!

[songofmeadow]

Easy spotlight, the motion and nuances within the repetition are what stand out for me, I need to read something to cheer me now mx

[rupertpupkin]

Hi, what a wonderful engaging read. the rhymes are perfect and the flow super, great theme also. Really loved reading this and well done with the spotlight, Sean.

[allmirth]

Well, I have nothing very original to add, by way of comment. It has all been said before me. I too appreciate the structure and love how the repetition works here. Congratulations on a well deserved Spotlight.

Thanks so much for sharing.
Mirthy