Beaten

An archive containing past featured spotlight works, what we consider, some of the best works on TPS. Feel free to leave comments.
Post Reply
User avatar
jim_moonan
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts:604
Joined:November 23rd, 2012, 9:53 am
Location:Boston, MA
Beaten

Post by jim_moonan » May 28th, 2015, 1:12 pm

Beaten
(The Egg Escaped)

The egg waddled across the counter
in pursuit of the edge
splattering in a gooey catastrophe at my feet.

The sock somehow slinked out
from the yawning dryer and slithered away
hiding in a crevasse of lint and small change.

The toast burns
The toe trips
The gears grind
The fabric rips.

We are relentlessly being defeated in little ways
tiny jolts of toxic poison administered through our mistakes
until we at last lie down and whimper
and life itself it takes.


"Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings." -W.H. Auden

"Good poetry begins with a lump in the throat."-Robert Frost

Image

Dew
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:7403
Joined:April 24th, 2012, 9:08 pm
Location:The Emerald Coast
Contact:

Re: Beaten

Post by Dew » May 29th, 2015, 7:17 am

Exalt! This is marvelous! I loved it from start to finish! I can't even describe why necessarily...it's just charming, well delivered, clever, and all at once simple and profound! Marvy! - dew



JASON
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:3145
Joined:June 19th, 2012, 7:43 am
Location:here and there

Re: Beaten

Post by JASON » May 29th, 2015, 7:32 am

Yes - there are certainly days when life takes more than it gives!!
case in point: we had a guest the other night staying over and everyone
was on their best behaviour, until...
Jason slipped in the dog pee and wiped out against the kitchen cupboard...
hell hath no fury :mad: ...



User avatar
Jerryk
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:3443
Joined:October 28th, 2014, 8:45 pm
Location:Arizona
Contact:

Re: Beaten

Post by Jerryk » May 29th, 2015, 7:50 am

Hi Jim;
I sure enjoyed reading your "Humpty Dumpty riddle," the unexpected destiny of an egg and other mishaps in our precarious life. A clever write, Father Goose, :bigsmile:
Jerry


~verses from an old-fashioned bard; no ambiguities intended~
JerryK aka Alishonak, Snowbells, et al.

Image

riversidepoet
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:2531
Joined:January 15th, 2015, 4:30 pm
Location:Kentucky

Re: Beaten

Post by riversidepoet » May 29th, 2015, 11:29 am

very clever, well done, if it can happen it will, all part of life, thanks for sharing, may God bless



User avatar
jim_moonan
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts:604
Joined:November 23rd, 2012, 9:53 am
Location:Boston, MA

Re: Beaten

Post by jim_moonan » May 29th, 2015, 2:40 pm

Thanks everyone! I'm trying to inject some levity/humor in my poetry these days - I see the humor in things but sometimes have trouble expressing it in words. In this case, it was just the absurdity of how life playfully chips away at you. I had initially titled the poem "Egg Escape" because that is what triggered it : )


"Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings." -W.H. Auden

"Good poetry begins with a lump in the throat."-Robert Frost

Image

dwells
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:11233
Joined:August 19th, 2013, 9:04 pm
Location:South Florida, U.S.A.

Re: Beaten

Post by dwells » May 30th, 2015, 6:52 am

I've seen that wanton egg drop waddle Jim and know it well!
Last line: might want to consider a comma or dash before "..., it takes." to set-off and accentuate (I'm such a kibitzer but know you to be an avid Poetry Citique Central denizen!). I especially liked the universality of your list of grievances, or observations at the midpoint.
A fine way for me to start the day and I think I'll settle for a muffin breakfast, cheers! - Dan


Image
ImageImage Image

inflames
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:1163
Joined:April 14th, 2012, 2:23 am

Re: Beaten

Post by inflames » June 7th, 2015, 1:30 pm

Love this final stanza. Great work with this one. Congrats on your spotlight!


"I don't see novels ending with any real sense of closure."
– Michael Ondaatje


Image

User avatar
jim_moonan
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts:604
Joined:November 23rd, 2012, 9:53 am
Location:Boston, MA

Re: Beaten

Post by jim_moonan » June 8th, 2015, 4:27 pm

Thank you inflames!


"Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings." -W.H. Auden

"Good poetry begins with a lump in the throat."-Robert Frost

Image

User avatar
seraph1420
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts:599
Joined:April 18th, 2012, 11:38 pm
Location:My Room

Re: Beaten

Post by seraph1420 » June 9th, 2015, 12:54 pm

Ah! I hate those days when one thing goes wrong, all the others have to follow, too!
It gets frustrating at times but this brought a smile to my face as I read this.

Congratulations on your spotlight!

Seraph



Alan
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts:1047
Joined:July 6th, 2013, 3:08 am

Re: Beaten

Post by Alan » June 11th, 2015, 6:14 am

It's like waking up on the "wrong side of the bed" and all those little things that could do bad do go bad :/

I like the snake-like imagery for the sock; sorta like a sock puppet that became alive and escaped. The 3rd stanza was really my style with the tight rhymes! :D



Post Reply