Asthma (IK)

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civilizedbrat
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Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 12:45 am

As she gasped for air next to me,
I could only think of how it sounded.
Almost like she was breathing in the galaxy.
The tiny stars dancing and shimmering
as they were sucked into her throat.
Their rough edges scraped the inside
of her skin, and she choked.
I looked at her pale face and breathless body.
All I could see was the smooth moon
And the light that shone in her eyes,
pooling with water as she tried to force air
into her lungs. Instead, she simply inhaled
more stars. She had her medicine.
It crawled into her body and knocked
the shining gems to the side. It dragged the air behind it
as if it was attached to its leg, tied with a safety rope
of oxygen. And it continued to swirl around her lungs
blowing them up like a hot air balloon.
But then the dizziness kicked in,
and I am sure she felt the world spin then,
because she blinked at me, and her eyes looked warm.
Blazing like the burning sun, and her skin went
red. Not like the moon anymore, her cheek was
dappled with the colours of autumn leaves.
I was ready to catch her
when she fell.
She looked dead.
So still, she could’ve been a small particle
of space.And I would never have known.



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sparky21737
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by sparky21737 » October 4th, 2015, 4:50 am

Wow, this piece was really good. It is obviously talking about something that is painful to watch and experience but the images that you have used are almost beautiful in a way. It's kind of a strange mix but it works really well in this poem.

Sparky


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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 5:00 am

thank you for your words of appreciation
#xoxo



TripleP
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by TripleP » October 4th, 2015, 7:36 am

Incredible imagery, and powerful portrait! This works equally well with the surface meaning and as a metaphor for relationships. Great IK entry!


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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 7:42 am

the girl in the above literary work symbolises 'relationships' and asthma is just another disease or parasite that eats up a cozy, warm union between any two people...

great to see you picturized it very well



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Larsen M. Callirhoe
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by Larsen M. Callirhoe » October 4th, 2015, 9:12 am

anything i wanted to say was written by first two readers that responded to an amazing write of yours. the imagery is superb and a perfect description in my opinion of how asthma affects someone. i know a few people that have used inhalers. one of them was a good friend of mine that passed away a few years ago, so i relate how using an inhaler with asthma affects someone in a relationship. The chemicals sprayed in the mouth smell disgusting for one thing. As for the poem itself i see it as a metaphor for a relationship whether intended to be this way or not. So kudos to you. Outstanding writing.

victor


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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 9:21 am

Thank You So Very Much.. for going through my work and for those words of wisdom



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jim_moonan
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by jim_moonan » October 4th, 2015, 9:24 am

Such unusual imagery and metaphor! I can see a painting of this.


"Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings." -W.H. Auden

"Good poetry begins with a lump in the throat."-Robert Frost

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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 9:32 am

it is in it's own a way melancholic tale..
that each one of us happens to witness in a way or two...



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allmirth
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by allmirth » October 4th, 2015, 11:50 am

Striking imagery. It works well as a literal description, and also as a metaphor.

Thanks much for sharing.
Mirthy :lovey:


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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 4th, 2015, 11:56 am

thanks for liking my work



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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by Dew » October 5th, 2015, 8:30 am

so creative...the description elevates the gritty and carnal above human perception...out into physics and biology and chemistry and mathematics and the universe. if we could see all as science and without prejudice or emotion, we could marvel at even the most hideous or mundane things. if we could love too, we could work miracles in our hearts to see beauty in tragedy. gorgeous writing - dew



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civilizedbrat
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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by civilizedbrat » October 5th, 2015, 9:49 am

hahaha... thank you so veryuch for those kond words of wisdom...

but tbt... I'm till date confused as to what exactly falls under this section...
I'd love if anyone could just help me out in this lil' query of mine...



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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by everhopeful » October 5th, 2015, 11:09 am

I think you made a good job of the imagery in this one, it has an almost ethereal feel to it which seems to fit both the breathless state of the sufferer and the vision of the speaker, but in different ways. For the sufferer it's easy to imagine they're seeing stars, and the speaker could well see things in a different light, as if they're watching in slow-motion.
Even the more serene images in the mid-point of this poem when the asthmatic is taking their medication makes effective use of the other-worldly images, which makes the speaker's shock at the end upon seeing them look 'dead' stand out even more.

And...
civilizedbrat wrote:I'm till date confused as to what exactly falls under this section...
I'd love if anyone could just help me out in this lil' query of mine...
The board description for Tragedy states:

"Poetry of suicide, body mutilation, death, or other tragic events." - so I think your poem fits the board :)



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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by Mike6 » October 5th, 2015, 11:43 am

So far from what I've read of you, this is probably my favourite piece. The metaphors are rich and I loved the piece about the galaxy and the stars being sucked into the throat. Very interesting! I thought the imagery was fresh and vivid and it just felt like an overall great piece. Thanks for sharing!! Wonderful work.



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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by seraph1420 » October 16th, 2015, 12:19 am

Never thought that starts could scrape someone's throat and they'd end up choking on them. That is surprisingly creative. And, of course, loved the end where you thought that she could've been a small piece of particle and you never would've known.

It's so strange, living in these relationships. It's like you want them but at the same time you curse yourself for being in them.

It's just like your poem. She chokes on stars but she inhales more stars in the form of a medicine. The very thing that kills her is the one that saves her.

You and me have had umpteen number of conversations over this. I could still continue here but I won't. Love you, babe

#Softy



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Re: Asthma (IK)

Post by dwells » October 16th, 2015, 5:10 am

A wonderful and yet terrifyingly creative description of an asthma attack in all its helpless panic; well done CB and cheers! - Dan
Especially liked the way it attempts maybe to put things in perspective with the closing, from the macro to the micro.


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