Diagnosis.

[AlzheimerDreams]

Diagnosis.

Quietly, white-ghosted prophets have spoken of doom. Now sharply broken, my heart stutters in the gloom, as I discover that my 'Long Goodbye' has begun. Panic, fear and shame, a wolf gnawing at my paw cannot free me from this iron-clutched mental trap.

Snap! Why, in heaven's name, am I not crying, defying what I hear of my mind's long dying? Words far-heard, distant from my ill-at-ease, are sequestered from inner frustration as, mutely, I stand in a far off land.

Walking "four sides around a triangle" is fine, but five's a shade too much. But, with talking, my tongue has got minced in a mangle and speech comes out as double Dutch. Their averted looks and downcast eyes - eyebrows up, arching in surprise say they think I've missed their thread.

I could weep, could cry in my mind's eye when, waking from sleep, words like 'should' and 'ought' bruise my thought, although I know it all inside my head - my mouth is somehow just misled. Hesitant or a trifle slow, like traffic when it turns to snow and lights glow green, but words won't go. Phrases stack up, they will not come as I wait, stupid-looking ... dumb.

It seems that in my mind the dreams for my reclining years have been rearranged to fears that are built on guilt for being slow. So all has changed from present ease to a future of decline. But, this I know, as clear as day - I am 'Compos Mentis,' but the phrase that I meant is not always the words I say.

I have heard that, for us old-timers with this disease, no one foresees that the first and worst thing that must be learned by all concerned, is that "Alzheimer's" is not just a word, but a sentence.

[Bishop]

This is a beautiful, heartbreaking piece; it took my breath away with the pain and fear nestled in these words. I normally don't assume that the narrator in a poem is necessarily supposed to be the writer, but your username suggests this is something you are, in fact, going through. I sincerely hope your situation improves!

In a technical sense, I love the poetry-prose flow of this, the imagery, the way it captures the inner turmoil of the disease. Wonderful work.

[maurice]

Dream, I had initially written a much more substantial comment on this great piece, but it got lost somehow when I tried to submit it. For that, I apologize.

The main gist of my comment was that your poem had great flow and did an awesome job of bringing the reader a glimpse of your world. It is that type of poem that I would expect to become famous and shared among those experiencing this disease. I am really grateful to you for sharing this with us. It was an honor to read a poem such as this.

[Wes Corona]

Would you mind if I printed this off? My wife is in charge of a dementia unit in a personal care facility. I think, if I printed and framed it, it might just be something very revealing to the relatives of those afflicted. Thank you for your insights into a terrible way of one's life's end.

[inflames]

This is beautiful! Congrats on your spotlight. :) Well deserved.

[WriterMinuit]

Truly touching. Prose poetry whose poetic beauty came through not necessarily from the rhythm and internal rhyme, but the poetic language. It was like a dream- a horrible dream of course, wondering if this was real or not.
Eámonn

[maurice]

So glad to see this in the spotlight. Well deserved. By the way, Welcome to TPS. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[AlzheimerDreams]

This is for all who wonder if I have Alzheimer's. Yes, I have and for some time. The "Angle of dangle" of the slope of decline is, in my case, a bit shallow --- but it's biting ... that I can assure you. Also, ask my wife who has the real burden. At the time of writing this poem I also wrote a bit about how it came about which you might find insightful:
About Diagnosis.

When I and others noticed that I was forgetting things a bit too often we, Gennie and me, went off to see our local doctor man. He asked a few questions and I dropped a piece of paper on the floor, asked a few more and then asked me what I had done. I looked blankly at him and it was only when he pointed at the floor that I remembered that, under his instruction, I had dropped it at my feet - it had completely 'slipped my mind.' That was a bit of a shock, but, of course, I was a bit tense wasn't I - being tested and all.

So I was referred to a specialist and the tests began ... they were very thorough and, early on, Gennie and I agreed between us that she would go with me. We were a twosome, a pair ... It was more effort efficient for her not to have to rely on a garbled misremembered account of what had and had not happened in the tests.

Some of the tests were quite passive, laying down and being scanned and so on and others were more like, in engineering terms, a destruction test. You know the sort of thing - you apply a weight to a bar, add a bit more and so on until it breaks. That way, you know how structurally strong it is - but the bar's not much use afterwards. Well, some of the tests felt a bit like that.

So when, with a degree of relief, the verdict finally came it was welcomed by us both. The end of a somewhat painful era. But, of course, having a diagnosis was only the beginning of the adjustments that the pair of us, jointly and (as they say) severally had to make.

That is how this poem came to be born. I was and am still, lucky in that I can still string words together and, if I have the odd 'clue,' I can do time-separated things ... but if the 'clue' is missing or not noticed then, of course, the job(s) get frozen at some apparently random point. And, more importantly, I feel guilty about it all ...

In friendship,
Eric.

[IronHeart]

what you do is not who you are
you are a kindred soul, a beautiful spirit
yes, your journey does seem most dark
but, it is from such a hopeless place..
that we can see the stars so clearly.

i am well aquatinted with sorrow,
if you need a friend to walk with you in sadness
I would consider it to be an honor...
at no point will you have to be alone

there is no need to be perfect, here
i'll love you, friend, until the end
so, just keep writing for us, will you? (c=

[jayn]

The wife of a friend of mine was recently diagnosed with this condition. I am struck by the similarity of experience of your story and their's, since both of them are choosing to take the journey together. That is heartbreaking in itself but also beautiful to witness as like this harrowing poem it shows the great strength of the human spirit when faced by such adversity as this fearsome disease of the mind. I wish you both well and a safe journey. Beautifully written.

[AlzheimerDreams]

To: Wes, Jayn and Cas,
Sorry - I've forgotten how to send a Private Message ... Can't find it anywhere,

I have uploaded an audio copy (Minus my fumbles and pauses) into the Internet Archive. If you think it useful, please, listen and download a copy. It is now something or other commons and not for commercial use. I hope this is not intrusive.

In friendship,
Eric.

(Sorry to be a clown - but it's one of those days. Oh, Ydes the link is:
https://archive.org/details/diagnosis_201511 and ther4e's a play and download button somewhere there.

[Wes Corona]

Eric, Hearing you speak these soulful words causes my heart to weep. I am choked up with angst for you. I previously thought your written words to be powerful. But, your spoken soliloquy makes this piece far and away more moving.

[Windsend]

Hello Eric. My name is Brad. This is the first time I have left you a post here on the forums. I do recognize your online name though from some of your other posts. Congratulations on the spotlight. Well deserved and incredibly meaningful because it came from the heart. I read through your posts and I just wanted to say 'It's not your fault'. Is an age old saying to help those that are in pain, but it does work for some reason. I noticed in the line of posts that you said you feel guilty. You don't have to. I have horrible short term memory problems myself. I am a creature of habit in lue of them. Everything in my living space has a proper place. So I feel for you personally. That being said, nice to meet you. Congratulations again on the spotlight.
Brad-

[JASON]

wonderfully written and well deserving of the spotlight...
The reality of your situation makes it even more special

[Dew]

Last line was AWESOME!!!!! A well deserved spotlight! Superb! - dew