A Parody of "News at 5 On 5"

[Wes Corona]

None of the following actually ever happened. Laughing at it was my intention.

BREAKING NEWS!

We have just received a report that the Newscopter 12 has been involved in a near miss air accident with a group of migrating ducks.

But first, here is an update on the opossum story we told you about on our 3 A.M. broadcast yesterday. It seems as though the opossum has since left the vicinity, and the family witnessing the opossum is now safe from harm.

Two people were hurt in an accident. Their injuries were not life-threatening. They are expected to fully recover. We'll keep you aware of any updates.


Now, back to the Breaking News. Newscopter 12 had a near miss with a migrating flock of ducks while on route to an accident on route 6, east of the city. The accident involved an opossum and a tractor trailer. The opossum was declared dead at the scene. It is not known if this was the same opossum involved in an earlier story. It seems unlikely, since opossums do not generally appear in two news stories in such a close time-frame.

On the National Front, today every job in America was lost. All businesses went out of business.

In a related story, the Federal Department of Labor declared that unemployment in the country was zero percent. Since there are no jobs to be had, and no one is looking for a job, therefore, by government definition, there is no unemployment.

The President could not be reached for comment.

Congress adjourned and left Washington for an extended holiday.

Cost for crude oil plummeted to 1 dollar a barrel. Gasoline prices at the pump immediately soared to $10 a gallon. Oil Companies cited the price increase on the fact that they were out of business, and that they really didn’t give a s----- anyway. They were going to get their fair share of whatever remained.

No congressional persons could be reached for comment. Remember, they had recently left for an extended holiday.

The President could not be reached for comment.

The World Series has been cancelled. Someone stole all the tickets and is selling them on an online auction site for pennies on the dollar.

The forecast for tonight is cloudy and dark. Tomorrow morning, it will be much lighter in the daytime.

Tune in again at 11 when we have updates to the opossum accident, and as always,
Twit us on Twitter, and like us on Facebook, and have a great evening everyone.

If news breaks, it breaks first here on NewsChannel 5, Always Alive Here On Five

[sparky21737]

Hmm, I liked this piece. It does seem like ridiculus stories are the ones that get aired first, followed by the more serious stories. Even though the middle was serious it was written in sort of lofty and sarcastic tones which matched the overall feel of the piece. I get the feel this is a person unhappy with how the media is reported and how the government is being run. A well written poem, thanks for sharing

Sparky

[Dew]

I love how you counter-imposed one triviality over a disaster over a triviality...reads just like the real news. Actual news seeded with lots of little things no one cares about and a few obscenely obvious ones. This is why I don't watch the news lol - dew

[felixta99]

Brilliantly captures the change of tone heard in the newsreader's voice when passing from tragic mass-murder to the Royal Family, it's a beauty

[ramfire]

Gotta know more about that opossum. Is he the one in the earlier report? I'll not watch any other channel until I have further word about this news item.

[tangerinepie]

Hello..I absolutely thought my sides would split from laughing.So hilarious, because the absurdity of news casts often baffles me.Although I was reminded of the plane landing in the Hudson river, and the passengers standing on the plane wings waiting to be rescued.{Haven't seen the movie yet though].I believe geese caused that near catastrophe..All I can say is bravo for this great satire..bring it on...Tangie...

[ramfire]

Split my sides laughing - like it was just like the evening new I watch every evening. Give us another early dispatch as soon as possible.

[tangerinepie]

So happy to see this prose spotlighted WC. It is so spot on, and no let up still, in the inanity of news casting.Congrats on this great write..Tangie..

[Wes Corona]

Thanks Tangie, I wasn't even aware the honor. Wes