Squeezing Clouds (revised)

[DanInGala]

The air is thin
at the edge of the night,
where afterthoughts gnaw
on the purest of barricade.
Hope, hand-crafted by fading freedom
in this dimmed light of forevermore.
Place a rock upon my chest
for the winds will blow me away.
Yet anticipation becomes hesitation
as my fluffy sky falls down
with frozen lips kissing the ground,
followed only by teardrops
salting the cheating deed of life.
Hinder me other,
my darkened echo,
these power surges fail
against such walled opposition.

[everhopeful]

This is such a precise piece of poetry, there seems to be such an intricate level of detail that it not only demands re-reading, it makes it a pleasure - theme notwithstanding, of course.
Although the opening touches upon the idea of hindsight being harsh binoculars, a theme dear to my heart, there's also much more of a present view too, one which presents a speaker clinging on hope and optimism in the face of their whole world trying to drag it away.
There are many excellent lines here, but "teardrops / salting the cheating deed of life" sounded as brilliant as it reads and was a fantastic pivot into the fine summation in the ending.
Superb writing.

[DanInGala]

Thank you all for your most fulfilling comments, and the time taken to read and thoughtfully write. This piece has always been very close to my heart, and I thought I could improve it in a few places, I hope I did that. Many thanks my friends.

[Dew]

Surreal language and pseudo-visuals...I loved "Place a rock upon my chest for the winds will blow me away"...that idea was immediately received and assigned in my mind to many notions...congrats on spotting! - dew

[dwells]

"A rock upon my chest" and "...the cheating deed of life" just about says it all for me Dan. Unusual piece with many metaphors and an ultimate sense of acceptance perhaps, and defeat. Sad and solemn in the presentation and prognosis, cheers!.

[Ladywildalice]

Excellent work here DIG and a most well deserving acknowledgement of your inner talent. Talk about Squeezing Clouds, you need to squeeze a few more like this out for us all to read and enjoy. The first 4 lines sealed my fate and MADE me continue the read. I am touched by this, a lump in the throat tells the truth of it, a tear in the eye can not be denied. Looking back with regret is the hardest mortal hindsight.
Despite the topic, very lovely and much appreciated. Congrats again on this enviable piece of work. Sue

[rupertpupkin]

Wonderful word choices and beautiful evocative language make this very deserving of a spotlight. Great poetry, well done, Sean.

[candlewitch]

Dear Dan,

what an incredible write! congratulations on it finding the spotlight, where it belongs! Fantastic language usage produces an emotional response in me. I loved these lines:

Hinder me other,
my darkened echo,
these power surges fail
against such walled opposition.

always, Cat

[everhopeful]

I can't help but think there's a lesson in the title for us all - "revised" - as to the benefits of revision. This one seems polished and, as I already mentioned, precise. Every line has something which adds to the poem, there's either an image, metaphor or reference which helps a relatively short poem read like there's an epic level of detail.
Congratulations on the spotlight.

[inflames]

I love the title of this. Such an intriguing piece of work! The ending line is really well suited to the poem and ties everything together really well Awesome stuff. :) Congrats on your spotlight!

[DanInGala]

Much appreciation all for reading and commenting. I am absolutely delighted, thank you.

D

[Mr D]

i wanted to quote some favorite lines in this...coz some are just brilliant....so here you go :
"The air is thin
at the edge of the night,
where afterthoughts gnaw
on the purest of barricade.
Hope, hand-crafted by fading freedom
in this dimmed light of forevermore.
Place a rock upon my chest
for the winds will blow me away.
Yet anticipation becomes hesitation
as my fluffy sky falls down
with frozen lips kissing the ground,
followed only by teardrops
salting the cheating deed of life.
Hinder me other,
my darkened echo,
these power surges fail
against such walled opposition."

brilliant mate !
gratz on the lights !

[Ladywildalice]

Congrats on the spotlight Dan........this was a magnificent piece. Knew you had it in ya. LOL. Truly brilliant and much envied. Again, congrats. Sue

[starscollide]

I really loved this one. Beautifully penned. Loved "Hope, hand-crafted by fading freedom
in this dimmed light of forevermore".