Lessons That I Learned From Failing: part one

[Loki'sMischief]

I did not realize that I was lonely, until I found anything else for me to be
Having made her the sun, I expected our alignment to remain stationary
Heart worn on wings made of expectation and insecurity, my flight was bold
Despite the pain of proximity I was grateful to no longer feel numb, and cold
Each flap felt like dragging myself forward, while every bone broke in my chest
Every ache in my back felt like purpose, every inch closer left me feeling blessed
Longing,
For
Her touch/
Knowing growing closer
Meant only
Another tear
Of wing from shoulder
I tried,
Again and again,
Mistaking
The burn
For love,
Until the blaze
Finally ripped that heart free of my skin completely
Now the weight of my vanity only meant a guarantee
The impact of this fall might not be my cause of death
It only meant that I would be left without a single breath
With no strength left in my broken limbs to swim/
Since I had made her the sun,
I blamed the sudden darkness
On her absence/
Eventually, I stopped blaming her at all, for this distance
And instead pitied myself for this heliocentric existence,
For I have a tendency to mistake dependency with feeling complete
When those validations disappeared, my self worth became obsolete/
In the moonlight I found beauty in the spider’s web
Found comfort in the delicacy of its silver spun thread
Lured by the intricacy of a thousand single lines,
Spinning a pattern from nothingness into existence
Found comfort in its silken touch across my cheek,
I became entwined,
It took an agonizing amount of time
To realize that I was incapable of being alone/
I first had to realize
that I was lonely,
This is an entirely different thing to be/
Fortunately, I had enough time to reflect,
Through accidental introspection
This is what I learned
While I waited patiently for the spider
To give me its undivided attention/
Loneliness is painful,
Loneliness is ego crushing
Loneliness is digging up the graves
Where past relationships are buried,
it is exhuming the corpse
In an effort to untangle
The slivers of my self-worth
That wrapped themselves
Symbiotically
Around that relationship
When it was still alive and breathing/
Loneliness is need
Loneliness is slow starvation
Loneliness is persistent emptiness/
Efforts to fill that hollow space
With impermanent things,
Like comfort found in company
Have only proven to be as successful
As trying to shovel fog into a bucket,
It is unfair to try to force someone to remain
Long enough to provide the solid material
For a task as large as that, yet I have asked/
Momentary sustenance only gave me false hope
I did not yet know how to feed myself,
So, that hole always remained
Partially filled/
Aloneness is strength
Aloneness is positive perception
Loneliness is internal isolation
Aloneness is complete contentment
Loneliness is an ellipsis
I am …
Spoken with an inflection of doubt
As if waiting, hoping to be finished/
Aloneness is a sentence
Spoken with an inflection of confidence,
I am worthwhile!/
Being alone has helped me
To appreciate
The people in my life
Who value me,
Without requiring
Confirmation
Of their presence
To feel valuable/
Being alone is an epiphany that I am complete
Exactly as I am, with no need for reassurance
This consistency has left me with something to share
Never something required by another to provide
It is realizing that the abandoned building in my chest
Only needed a bit of maintenance
To become
A home/
I have taken sufficient satisfaction
In embracing an old cliché//
I decided
To love myself
First/

[dwells]

Those helio-centric suns can and do create their own universes for perpetual amusement, and woe unto the pesky planetoid that seeks an elliptical orbit too bold - lest its perigee take it into the influence of another covetous star. Awesome piece LM and oh so true, for the coming supernova is predictable; best to be a comet - cheers!

[things_i_wrote]

perfect imaginary ..i like how you started this and how you ended it

this part is my favorite it's deep

Finally ripped that heart free of my skin completely
Now the weight of my vanity only meant a guarantee
The impact of this fall might not be my cause of death
It only meant that I would be left without a single breath
With no strength left in my broken limbs to swim


thanks for sharing

cheers...TIW

[godsplat]

You really pulled me into this poem, you have a magical way with words here, really, this is some outstanding poetry!!!

[JASON]

WOW. skipped passed this yesterday as it was too long
but man am I glad I gave it some attention today...
A lot of brilliance going on here - nicely done!!!

[contessa_veeden]

I love this idea of making her the sun, and how that made it ten times worse when she wasn't there anymore. A beautiful metaphor that made me catch my breath.

It IS a long poem, and my only critique would be that sometimes you start to lose this thread of magic that runs through the poem. Maybe move away from using "you?" It was almost like the poem spoke more to me during the parts when it was a painful reflection rather than addressing the reader.

I enjoyed reading this! Thanks!

[Loki'sMischief]

Thank you guys for taking the time to read this and leave your thoughts and comments. lol I know my stuff tends to run a little on the long side, so I especially appreciate the feedback. Thank you for catching that, contessa_veeden. I changed the "you" to first person.

[karrie]

It is always a pleasure and a delight when I read something that you have posted because you have such a way sweeping me up in the piece with the imagery and the languauge. I was so caught up in this. Well done and congratulations on the well deserved Spotlight!

[inflames]

This is hauntingly beautiful, Loki. Congrats on your spotlight. :)

[Dew]

"I did not realize that I was lonely, until I found anything else for me to be"

so much experienced wisdom in that line! another great pick....congrats on the spot!! - dew

[jayn]

A piece that goes straight to the heart of being alone successfully, rather than lonely. The line " For I have a tendency to mistake dependency with feeling complete" says it all about the human psyche when unloved and socially isolated. It's a long poem but it riveted me as every line brought meaning into light.

[Loki'sMischief]

Oh wow. Thank you all for the comments. It's so cool to see this in the spotlight. This was one of my most personal pieces. I was actually kind of reluctant when I originally posted it. I appreciate all of you for your responses.

[Philip16]

I like how this poem masterfully takes the reader from the empty, painful world of loneliness to the realm of "aloneness", where there can be a fulfilling, enriched existence. Excellent work and well deserved spotlight!
Philip16