salty sum

[Sasha]

I.
Yesterday, we were floating paper boats on rivulets;
the water was like baby bones, bendable as lights
but not enough to break – the scene was enough –
children with closed smiles.

Now it reminds me of Venice, its traghetti
and tourists' skins get dabbled in buildings colours
as they slowly pass by with cracked eyes and cameras,
the spectrum sticks like warm weather on face,
arms and legs,

and children are parents left at the other end.

II.
Bach's famous Cello Suite No. 1 – prelude plays
through grandpa's old radio,
its brown leather case small for such voice –
grandpa made it only used to dead war news,
revolutionary songs, smell of his morning coffee,
and his chapped grip –

they just don't make radios like that anymore.

III.
The cello echoes under my skin
in soft tune like soft funerals happen
in me like it does in a warm dead woman,
and I don't cry – I can't cry in funerals,
they said I lack sympathy - I didn't cry

enough at my grandpa's, as if salt water
is melancholy, is cellos.

IV.
I'm writing this in fragments,
writing it out of skin, thoughts
and small verses for small pain
as I fold prayers like paper boats
wearing flowers in my hair, listening
to Bach through my old brown radio.

[Mike6]

This is really, really powerful Sash. I think even moreso because you divided it into parts. I thought the imagery, especially the one concerning the baby's bones in the first section created a really uncomfortable environment for the reader how you described them being able to bend and not break. Powerful stuff. The sadness in this piece is loud, especially in parts iii and iv. The speaker talks about not being able to cry which is sometimes the biggest sign of sadness. And then in part iv we have the speaker releasing in her own way. "as I fold prayers like paper boats/ wearing flowers in my hair, listening/to Bach through my old brown radio" I wonder was the radio inherited from the granda? Such an intense piece of writing. Thanks for sharing. Awesome work. :)

[everhopeful]

You have some absolutely lovely imagery in this poem, even when it's not used in a positive context, it's descriptively strong, vivid and layered with emotion. The line in the opening stanza about baby's bones really struck me, that is so delicate, and it sets the scene perfectly. I really like how you took that opening image and coloured it in a way which felt like the delicate scene was somehow tarnished by the presence of others who were perhaps less appreciative of its beauty.
The next two parts focused on sound, yet again I was struck more by the references to an uneasy progression, and even with few direct references to the speaker it felt very much like she was being judged in the same way as the radio, her actions misunderstood by others.
I think the final stanza was strongest, it rolled from the tongue and used the imagery from the previous parts in a way which summated the poem as a whole and felt like a poignant reminder of inherited traits and characteristics the speaker was proud to carry.
Excellent work Sash.

[Baywriter]

This is beautiful, Sash. I love the contrast between the title and the actual content of the poem. In the title you use the word 'sum,' as if what you've written here, each fragment, is the sum of your sadness. They are all added together. But in the content of the poem, there is so much focus on things being taken away or separated.

I like the opening for its images. I get the feeling of moving through time. You begin as a child releasing your paper boat into the water (love the fragility of that image), and then you grow older. The image of the boats changes to reality and suddenly you're reminded Venice. I loved the way you described that part. It actually reminds me of when I was in Venice watching the city pass by from a gondola. Great job there. By the end of it all, the children are parents -- this gives me the sense that time has passed by and that the speaker lost something from childhood.

I love the next part as well, the description of the radio. Everything you described feels like another time, beginning with the classical music coming from the radio. The ultimate conclusion that they don't radios like that anymore is not about the physical aspects of the radio, but more about the change of the times, and the loss of the speaker. A grandfather is so important, and now I feel like crying a little bit because I used to wake up in the morning at my grandparents' house and hear classical music playing from my granddaddy's radio while he got ready for church. (Sorry, this poem is just hitting home for me right now)

I love the progression of the next part, how it moves from the classical music coming from the radio to the speaker playing her cello. The speaker keeps her sadness. She doesn't put it in tears, but she puts it in other things, like music. You wrapped up the whole piece beautifully. The speaker is carrying this loss with her -- she has the radio, the boats, the memories.

Yep. This hit me right in the feels. Fabulous work. xx

Bay

[Rainman]

This demonstrates genuine talent.
It tunes in, like the old radio, to real emotions, and without a trace of mawkish sentimentality either.
I liked the use of sound and light especially.

It brought to mind one of my all time favourite songs....... "My Father" by This Mortal Coil.

Anyway, this is very fine work in my opinion. Consider me impressed.

[Sasha]

Thank you all so much for reading and the brilliant comments, I truly appreciate it! More than you think.

Sash

[Sardonic Sadism]

Even though the poem is titled "Salty Sum" and holds a mournful tone, I can't help but notice that your spectrum of words creates a colorful impression throughout. It's like the word arrangement is trying to subdue the inherent sadness and the two concepts struggle alongside each other as each verse gives way to the other. Great work.

[inflames]

There are so many beautiful phrases in this poem. I particularly like "as I fold prayers like paper boats". Congrats on your spotlight!

[dwells]

I listened to favorite old uncle's radio for many years. He used to play it loudly in the rest home and disturb all the others with the controversial talk shows; as I then did too - sans rest home.
Children become parents, who in turn frequently return to their childhoods with the advancing years. You said so much and so well; with just the right touch of poignancy Sash. Thanks for evoking some wonderful memories on this circle of life - which is becoming more of a tightening spiral lately.
Cheers and congrats! - Dan

[jsol]

I found a lot in this that I loved, and that exited me but since I have a mangled wrist I'll be brief

I was first taken by the image of the babies bone's and their fragility paired with the ever-flowing continuance of the water, this not only held the presupposition of youth and it's inevitable growth but also the way in which time will doubtlessly bring changes to life, altering the children's fates. the uncontrolled pathways of these growths seem to settle, perhaps unconsciously, and leave their mark in the children's "closed smiles." as if they sense that the unpredictability of the boats, as they are left to the water's whim, is intimately connected to the paths their own life's will take.

these sentiments are reiterated to a certain extent with the appreciation of the place you write about; in which all these "adult" activities are described. though they seem to be missing something of the youthful wonder that, while bringing sadness through the certainty of growing up, also seems to fit with the realizations held by the youths in the very beginning, that their boats will be uncontrollable once given to the water's unceasing force.

yet that last sentence, seems to twist the wonder of childhood with the apathy of adulthood. giving them each a taste of their own essences, strengthening my interpretation and also bringing a wistfulness that ties these ideas together in a way that would otherwise be unsaid.

i'll try to write more later, this cast is making typing a chore.

[BarryC]

such a fantastic piece -deserves the spotlight

[Dew]

Cant believe I missed this! Congrats on the spot Salshy! I luz me some good word play! - dew

[Ladywildalice]

As Dew so aptly said "I can't believe I missed this!" either. Congrats on the spotlight Sasha. This was very beautiful and I really enjoyed reading it. Talent, plain and simple, used in such an articulate, imaginative manner. Stunning, simply put.

[WriterMinuit]

The nostalgic feel of this poem was so powerful and emotional, yet such ambiance was contrasted with the ever-so composed situation in which the speaker found themselves that they order the poem into four, clear-cut sections. The imagery of the first stanza I pictured together like an oil painting, for whatever reason. I think it was because you gave us an idyllic scene with the whole description of Venice.
I thought about the significance of Cello Suite No.1. I personally love Baroque, and so this poem became multi-sensual. But more specifically, I found it quite ironic. Bach's piece gives me the impression that the cello player is quite content by himself. Too often in Baroque especially the cello is left to basso continuo (as in Pachelbel's famous Canon in D), and the beautiful instrument is not given enough recognition. Here it is. The cello player has this contentment in his isolation. I thus was given the impression the speaker of the poem was content in isolation. The piece offered comfort.
Beautiful write.

[Josie]

I really liked the memories of childhood connected to the folded paper boats floating on rivulets, water likened to baby bones and the pace that moved it forward to folding prayers like paper boats. Congratulations on the TPS Spotlight.

[everhopeful]

A really striking piece of poetry Sash, I remember this one from the first time around and I'm pleased to see it in the spotlight. I think the poem has just the right tone throughout, showing a mature and consistent poetic voice.
Congratulations!

[Alan]

It's really nice with the progression of similar images throughout time and the repetition of the music.

Also, it was nice to read the other comments to see how it affected other people emotionally.