yesterday mourning

[jsol]

it was her in the mornings
coming through the barely cracked door headfirst
a tossing of light and cool air,
a shaking of her head
there among the days first smells
and the early sun, the half open blinds

my sleepworn foot or perhaps hand
dangling heavily in that last
brief unconsciousness, that tiny
moment before awaking eyes flutter
in their dark cocoon lids

would feel a sudden lick, sloppy,
somehow cold and warm at once

and my dreams, smoke
fading quickly now above me.
my eyes full open still unfocused
would see naught but some giant black
nose and an eye above
as if through as unadjusted microscope:
too close to make sense of,
this sudden vision

yet my lips fold into a smile,
ignoring my confused eyes
and the licking quickens:
a full bombardment of slime
and love and energy singing
-let's go, let's go, let's go

and so i went
rising from my blankets
patting gently my fellow sleeper
a wordless communion meaning
sleep on and i'm getting up and i love you
and all else that goes unspoken in
timeworn gestures of familiar making

standing then, looking out
through the doorway
at this large and goofy
tailwagger- who is looking
quickly back and forth, back and forth
her head and tail both, set to an inner
metronome that pivots
from me to the kitchen to me again
and back
another timeworn gesture, another
familiarity-
let's eat, let's eat, let's eat

i am in an unchanging place, standing there
i am looking into an unchanging world
a world that revolves around to only continue
again the same as before,
an unending world.

and i am sure of it.

now as the too short years have passed
and this revolving world has come again
and again into it's same places and gesturings

now as my mind sifts back through the sands
of it's countless hourglasses,
searching for some little memento,
some little meaning to emerge from the continuity

i see that it has not been the sameness
i was so content to accept.
it has been a great churning of addition and subtraction
of which my blood is the froth
and my skin the canvas

so yesterday, as we sat together, tissues
in hand, eyes bleary with grief
we held this great black furry mass of energy
that would begin my mornings with a sloppy lick
and end my days curled in her favorite spot

that would only bark if we were a minute late
in feeding her
and would never, ever do anything
that fell outside her gentle wishes-
to sniff another bush, to chase another squirrel.

and i whispered in her ear, i love you baby,
i love you so much, i'm here and everything's ok,
baby, goodbye baby, i love you forever

and with my face buried in the soft of her neck
i couldn't help but watch the doctor's gentle urging
of the plunger as it slowly filled my
baby's veins with a solution designed to stop her heart

but i kept one eye focused intently into hers,
never looking away, never looking away
and i saw her peaceful love shine so bright there
before it was extinguished. i looked away then
tears dripping from my beard and then turned back
and felt her side, trying to feel a heartbeat
there was none.

the only mistake i made was looking once again into
her eyes, now just glossy black.
and i saw her death, and i saw the death of everything
and i ran from it, confused, angry, terrified, grieving

i could no longer be there
as she could no longer be here

and now, with tears in my eyes i turn my head
and i know why morning is called mourning.
to see just an empty bowl,
in an empty half-lit kitchen.

[Chelle]

I'm not going to lie-this is a very hard one to read, think about, consider, anything. I got a puppy for my birthday (which was yesterday) when I was 4 from my grandmother. I named her-she was mine. She stayed that way until I was 21 years old and I had to come home from college for summer and make the decision that she was so old she had no quality of life. I took her. I couldn't go back there with her, so she was alone with the vet when it happened but her suffering was over. I'm 33 now. It was 12 years ago and still, to this day, thinking about that last time I saw her as they took her from me I cry. So I'm right there with you. Fitting tribute to our furry companions who always love us and there when we need them.

[jsol]

chelle, many thanks for the heartfelt comment. your words mean a lot to me. the fact of them being there means a lot to me. our 14 year old black lab died last november and it was rough. i crumpled up like old paper. the world told me things but i was unsure which were true and which false. i walked around with a dizzy heart. its confused and empty chambers thudding heavily.

so, two days ago we got another black lab puppy. her name is bella and she is a little over a month old. i fell in love with her quicker than you can say "immediately" and the feelings of excitement and adoration that filled my heart as i peered into her eyes were spun from total humility, i knew without hesitation i would do anything to protect her, even die if needs be. but this is life. life. i am, we are, everything is a part of a whole. there is no way to escape this intricate mosaic of balance. it is everything and it is nothing. it is perfect. it is horrible. what is joy without sorrow, pleasure without pain? life without death? i witnessed the death of that which i loved. it hurt. now i got to witness the joy of new life, new love. but then the seesaw came back to earth, and i knew that there is no experience of "forever." this love will die. this death will love. again and again until everything and nothing unite as truth: all difference is make believe.

there is nothing. yup, no rush either.

and, well, i love our new baby pup.